My Journey

I am starting to see that the rules I am applying to myself with my ww journey re food and exercise I am starting to apply to other areas of my life. For example my procrastination. On the weekend I started thinking about putting a photo on my profile. Then I started thinking that I'm not ready yet, I don't take a good photo, yadda yadda yadda. Well then I thought bugger it, if I waited till I was perfect (and we all know that perfect doesn't exist) then I would never have a photo up there. So I marched myself into the study, sat in front of the webcam, and laughed myself stupid trying to take a photo of myself. It is really disconcerting moving your head one way and expecting a result only to realise that you had to move it the other way. So I put a photo on there, but it is by no means my last attempt. You see, I have really curly hair and because I am not too fond of it, I wear it up in a pony tail almost all of the time. I have it up in this photo (in which I think I look a little like a clown with my eyebrows all up). I did take some photos with it down but because it had already been pulled up it didn't look too good. And to take a photo at all I have to angle the desk lamp directly into my face otherwise the photo turns out all black. So I think my eyes had already started watering by the time I got to take this photo. The things we do. But that is me. So Hi.

Sugar Points: 10.0 - What !!!
Points Left FTW: 123
Exercise: 15 minutes on the treadmill. Walk to Central. Plus incidental.

Thanks for all the nice things you said about my photo. Quick update re my Dad. Looks like the operation went really well. Surgeon will confirm later today whether chemo will be required but currently it is still no. So still keeping my fingers crossed but very very hopeful.

Posted by Margaret at 8:28:00 am | Permalink | Comments

This morning the scales have followed the current pattern and posted a gain of 200gms. I am not in any way upset about this, though a loss is always a better feeling ;) I ate within my points for the week, but Sunday was a slightly heavier day than I normally would have on a Sunday. We went out for lunch and it was magnificent. The work colleagues of DH is Chinese/Australian and she made dim sims, some other vegetarian pastry thing, then we had sang choy bow (excuse the spelling) which is a pork mince with vegetables served in a lettuce leaf - yumm. We also had some fried rice. And wine. Mmmmmm. Wine. It was delicious. And sitting out in the sun was great. My exercise for the day was beating everyone at Mah Jong. Well I won 2 games anyway. It was great fun. I used to play with my Mum and Dad and sisters when we were much younger and I had forgotton how much fun and tactics are involved. We didn't get into the tricky scoring part but I would have thumped them (LOL). And when we got home I made a zero point corn soup that was magnificent. I got it off the ww australia forums. I'll be making that again.

From today I am going to put some tracking info at the bottom of my ramble. I track daily on a spreadsheet but I clear it every week and I think I need to have a record I can revisit to see if there are areas I can improve on. So, to start, I will track Points for the day, How many of them were sugar, How many points left for the week and Exercise for the day. This should give me a great indication on where I can make improvements. As I post in the morning, the tracking records are for the day prior.

Thank you, everyone, for your kind and caring thoughts for my Dad. It helped me this weekend to stay focused and I appreciate that.

Posted by Margaret at 8:18:00 am | Permalink | Comments

This will be the first, and last time I post three times in one day. My last post which mentions me identifying triggers and learning to cope with them seems a little prophetic now. When I came home from work today my Mum rang to say that my Dad has been diagnosed with cancer. It is a very sudden thing and he goes in for the operation to remove the cancer on Monday. It has been advised that it is an encapsulated cancer in rather a delicate part of the body (the butt to be precise) so should be a straightforward removal and possibly no need for chemo afterwards if, when digging it out, they find it has not spread. So that is a very good piece of news for a very bad piece of news.

It's a funny thing when you get a piece of news like that, when it has never happened before. How do you react? I can't go to pieces because I have a family of my own that I still need to look after. Nothing that I do will change the fact that my Dad will have to go through this. Therefore eating recklessly will not only not help him, but it definitely will not help me. That being said I have been drawn towards food tonight. I have eaten 1 pt worth of nuts, 1 pt worth of ww cookies, and 1 pt of a milky way bar. I could keep eating. I am now at my daily limit of 22 pts but I think I may still put in a ww choc icecream and go over 1.5pts. I will eat less tomorrow. I rang my Dad to make sure I was in the will. He said there wasn't much to give me. I said I didn't want it for another 20 plus years. He said he wasn't ready to give it to me till then. I think we will be OK. I won't mention this again but at least I have identified it as an issue to myself, to watch for, and to recognise that eating well would be the best thing I could do for all of us at this time.

Posted by Margaret at 8:48:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

In my life, my big mouth has got me into heaps of trouble. Either because the words that have come out of it have been inappropriate, or catty, or too quick, or I was trying to be funny but 'as funny as a fart in an elevator' - if you know what I mean. And that got me thinking. I am using this blog as a record of my journey to better health, better habits, and a better me. And I am writing whatever I am feeling, or about things that have happened to me on a day to day basis, essentially to capture my moods and feelings and to see if there are underlying triggers that have caused my weight gain in the past and to initiate methods of blocking the triggers and finding better, more healthy coping strategies. This is a good idea and one that I am directly attributing as a key factor in my successes so far. But I should be careful in what I say when it relates to other people. On Sunday DH, family, and I are going to lunch at a work colleagues of DH. The same colleague who came to dinner at our house. I am really looking forward to it as I like this lady and her husband. I have factored the visit into my weekly eating and have saved up enough points that I will feel comfortable eating anything that is on offer (I have planned a very low point soup dinner for that night though - just in case) So just now on the phone DH mentioned that this same work colleague was looking at the ww site with another lady as they are considering joining. After my "that's a good idea" comment I suddenly froze. What if they come across my journal. (as a side bar - my journal is now the first journal listed on the ww site!!) They are mentioned in my journal. Not by name but there is no way they would not know I was talking about them. I wasn't rude, but I am clear about my frustration. As it related to me. Oh dear. *10 deep breaths* I know that I should not hold back when I write as this is a journey about me, no one else, even though my journey will encounter and include a miriad of people. I only hope that if she chances across the entry that she understands that there was no malice intended. As a punishment I shall go and stand in the elevator and wait for someone to fart...

Posted by Margaret at 2:57:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

Following on from AGR's blog where she posted a link to Pole Dancing, I decided to have a look at what she was talking about. After hunting through the site I found that they have 5 sites in Sydney, 4 very close to my work. So I rang a friend last night and we are going!!! Only to have a look mind you, just to see what it is all about. When thinking about the possibility of taking this up as a form of exercise it raises all sorts of questions about how we perceive ourselves to be and the perception that no matter what we do, people are always looking at us and commenting on our size. Of course, if I was to pole dance in the required outfit of tight fitting top (so it doesn't get in the way) preferable hot pants or at the very least shorts (so that you can grip the pole better with the back of your knee) and the obligatory high heeled, knee high boots (that's just wrong people) I would expect people to look, and laugh, and possibly choke on their drinks.. But, to a lesser degree I still get that feeling today and whilst I am trying to positively talk myself out of it, habits die hard. For example, on the bus today I had to sit next to a lady who was already on the seat, and neither of us are small people. But when I sat down she made such a big deal of sighing, moving across and trying to squish herself against the window that I just felt everyone was looking at me and thinking how rude I was to sit in a space that was obviously too small for someone of my girth. Aargh. And in reality I know that probably, no one even noticed. And if they did, what do they care - I didn't sit next to them. So what can I take away from this.

1. That, even though I am feeling very comfortable in my skin right now and because the clothes I currently own now either fit or are a little too loose, I have to remember that those clothes are a size 18 and that is still a large size.
2. That, I still have some goals to achieve and I should never question other peoples opinion because if I am being true to myself then that is the most important thing.
3. That, if I had sat next to her in my pole dancing outfit - well I would have expected a much bigger reaction ;)

Posted by Margaret at 8:21:00 am | Permalink | Comments

Last night my DH decided he wanted pizza for dinner. This is a rarity in our house as he is supposed to be following a gluten, dairy, & processed meat free diet. Mmm all the ingredients of pizza. So he ordered his pizza and I ate my ww Pesto Spagettini (4.5pts - yumm). The pizza took ages to get here and when it did I found out that DH had kindly ordered a garlic bread. For me. Because it is one of my favourite things. So I looked in my spreadsheet to see how many points garlic bread would be. 29gms = 1.5pts. So I took two slices and weighed them. 1 slice = 29gms = 1.5pts. So I put one slice back and only had one. And just sat there letting the delicious smells waft over me as I held onto the couch for dear life. I was afraid that if I let go I would fall on top of the garlic bread and devour the lot. I didn't.

Cut to later that evening tucked up in bed reading a magazine and DH is moaning and groaning, not in a good way, that his stomach hurt, he feels full, he feels sick, until he gets up and has a huge puke in the loo. I didn't feel sorry for him. I felt very good for me that I was not in that same situation. This morning my good behaviour has been further rewarded when I got dressed for work. I decided that today I was going to wear a short skirt *feigns horror*. I tried the skirt on, and it fit. I could do it up all the way and it does not cut into me. In fact I have a problem in that I can twirl the skirt all the way around me whilst it is on, so I have to keep checking that the skirt is on the right way. *straightens skirt and has a little giggle*. So I am going to have a great day. I may look like an airline hostess today so after I check that everyone has their seatbelts on I am going to wander around the office offering them pillows and blankets. LOL. I am such a dag :)

Posted by Margaret at 8:33:00 am | Permalink | Comments

On the header of my blog is a little grab from a poem. The poem is by Douglas Malloch and the entire poem is as follows:

BE THE BEST OF WHATEVER YOU ARE

If you can't be a pine tree on top of a hill;
Be a scrub in the valley --
BUT BE the best little scrub by the hill;
Be a bush if you can't be a tree.

If you can't be a bush, be a bit of the grass
And some highway happier make;
If you can't be a Muskie than just be a bass --
But the liveliest bass in the lake!

We can't all be Captains, we've got to be crew,
There's something for all of us here,
There's big work to do, and there's lesser to do,
And the task you must do is near.

If you can't be a highway, then just be a trail,
If you can't be the sun, be a star;
It isn't by size that you win or fail --
Be The Best Of Whatever You Are.

When I first saw this poem I thought it reflected what I was feeling at the time. As a child I was encouraged to be the best, the smartest, the winner. And, during school I generally was. Then when things started to change I took that as a sign of failure and nothing I ever was, was good enough. But digging deep and looking at the bigger picture that the world is, I think I came to an understanding with myself. No matter what stage I am at, in my life, it is my life. I can choose to hide away and not want to come out until I am that pine tree at the top of the hill, or I can come out now and enjoy life as a piece of grass alongside the highway - ever aspiring to be the pine tree. So that's what I am today - a piece of grass, happily waving to the world as it goes by. I just hope that someone doesn't come along and try to smoke me ;)


Note at 4:06pm. I did blog at 8:32 this morning but then blogger killed me off till now. I am happy to report all is well and I am back on air. Whooo Hoooo

Posted by Margaret at 8:32:00 am | Permalink | Comments

Being of an analytical nature, and seeing how measuring trends is part of the job I do, I have to be careful that I do not project certain actions upon myself. In the 7 weeks of this journey I can already see a trend in my weight loss. It has been loss, loss, loss, gain, loss, loss, loss, current week. The losses have been eerily similar in each cycle. So, my challenge for this week is not to say to myself "Oh well - I know I am going to have a gain this week so I'll just eat anything". I will stick to my points, I will stick to my healthy eating, and if my body posts a gain then I know it is not because I have lost control but because the body is doing whatever the body is doing. And, as I am all too painfully aware, the body will do whatever it wants :)

Posted by Margaret at 8:24:00 am | Permalink | Comments

With the little climb on the scales earlier in the week I am completely blown away this morning with the scales showing another kilo loss. I stuck to my weekly points but this week was very up and down so I am probably going to become another firm believer in the Wendie Theory. This is the last Monday off work with my Mum today so am posting very early to get a full day in. It is sunny and 22 degrees here today so am planning to go to the park with the boys and get in heaps of incidental walking.

In answer to a few emails I have received asking this question, below is what I would eat on a typical day. I am on 22 points per day.

8.00 ww cereal (1.5) nestle 100gm yoghurt (0.5) fruit (1)
10.00 apple (1) ww fruit bar (1.5)
12.00 huge salad (0) dressing (0.5) whole pack of ww ham (1) 3 vita wheat (1) spread with ww cream cheese (1)
2.00 banana (1) yoghurt (0.5)
3.00 ww hot chocolate (0.5) 2 cookies (1) 2 more cookies (1) mmmm do I need another 2 cookies?
dinner grilled lean protein (3) huge plate salad or veges (0)

That gives me 15.5 points and this is where I can now play. I'll add in a ww soup (1) with extra crackers (1) if it is cold. Or I'll go and get a hot 1/4 chook - no skin(3) to add to my salad. I might have a baked potato (done in the microwave) with some ww spread (3). Or I might have some ww icecream, mousse, sponge - can you tell I have a very sweet tooth. Or it allows me to plan a pasta or a sauce dish a couple of times a week and have a higher day.

I am a very plain eater. I don't particularly like gravy and I can give creamy sauces a huge miss. I really like tomato based sauces and love bolognaise.

I am off to have a lovely sunny day and hope you all do too :)

Posted by Margaret at 6:35:00 am | Permalink | Comments

When I began ww one of the things that was most strongly taught was that it is all about balance. Balance food wants with food needs. Balance day to day. Balance food types, tastes, textures. But the things about balance can so easily be translated into other things in life. Balance work with play. Balance 'them' time with 'me' time. Balance material self with spiritual self. Last night when I went to dinner, we arrived a little early so went for a walk down some rustic stone steps and found a little park set in a niche along the pathway. We sat on the bench and looked out over the lights of the Harbour Bridge and Sydney whilst listening to the screams of joy coming from the rides in Luna Park. The boats were all twinkling lights and muted music as they moved across the water. It was absolutely beautiful. I sat there holding hands with DH, saying nothing, and thinking, "this is what it is all about". This is why I want to be alive. This is why I want to be fit and healthy so that I can come back here with my children, with their children, and just sit in wonder of something so simple, and so beautiful. I know that I can't foresee that I will be here for my grandchildren but I am going to give it the best shot that I can, and send the message out to the universe that I want to be around. So I am more than motivated to continue down the path I have started to good habits and good health and I will just have to remember that from time to time I have to step off the path and just enjoy the view...

Posted by Margaret at 9:08:00 am | Permalink | Comments

It's Friday. It's sunny. I am not at work. The children are happy and playing at kindy. The shopping has been done. The washing machine and dryer are all happy working by themselves. It is 10.36am. I am going to bed. I am going to sleep the sleep of a person who has no worries. I am happy today. I will wake up full of energy. I will finish the washing. I will have a great lunch. I will do some exercise. I will pick up the children early and they will be happy because Mummy is happy. I am going out tonight. The world is all right again. Isn't it amazing what sleep can do ;)

As a side note, with feeling off colour for the last couple of days, having some tummy issues, eating less points than I should, I was a bit surprised to see the scales sitting higher today. Then I remembered the Wendie theory of the fuel load needed to burn our energy and when we eat less the furnace turns itself down, so tonight when I eat more than my share of daily points (but still sticking to my total weekly points) the furnace hopefully will turn up full blast and burn off all that extra energy. Will be an interesting theory to test out. Either way I am going to enjoy some time alone with DH tonight. Going to have a good day.

Posted by Margaret at 10:36:00 am | Permalink | Comments

There are some days I wake up and I wish that I were in a different place. A different world. A different mind-space. Then, most days, I shake myself off and bounce back into the happy person I am most of the time. Today it has been difficult to do that. The last couple of days I have let little things get to me and it has culminated in this overbearing sadness that is threatening to overwhelm me. And I am fighting it. And I am winning. The old me would have given in. The old me would have found perceived solace by gorging on every imagineable fat laden food that could be found within a 10 suburb radius (have car will travel ;)) The old me would have wallowed in self pity (and I am not doing that now!!) and shunned any form of exercise. The old me would have allowed this to continue with unabated speed until I crashed headlong into a suitably strong enough barrier to knock some sense into me.

The new me is not doing that. The new me has stuck to my points, in fact I have eaten far fewer points than I should and I am trying to catch up. The new me still went for a walk - Ok I think I scared a few people with my scowly grumpy face - but I went for a walk. The new me is trying to work out what is causing these feelings, what were my triggers, what can I do to fix them. Eating won't fix my problems. Sitting on my tail won't fix my problems. They would just be there later but I would be fatter.

I hate feeling like this and the temptation not to write anything down was very strong. I feel good that I remained in control with my eating and am looking forward to waking up tomorrow a refreshed and happy person. The children will be going to childcare and I am taking the day off work so I can get some sleep and catch up with the housework. Then I think the clouds will start to lift and the sunshine can once again take over my life...

Posted by Margaret at 3:50:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

On the advice of my lovely cyber friends, DH and I are taking the rare opportunity to go out to dinner on Friday night as I now have that evening free (see post below). We are going to an Indian Restaurant that is about a 30 minute walk away. Downhill there, uphill all the way home. So I thought I had better do some research re good food choices and headed over to the ww forums to have a dig around and ask some questions. As I put in a really crappy search question first no replies came up so I posted my own question. Which was answered almost immediately. Right after I did a much better search and found heaps of information. LOL

I can't believe, sometimes, that there are so many nice people out there who read forums and blogs, and are more than happy to spend a few minutes of their time to help me out. It fair chokes me up and makes me even more determined to realise my goals and to be part of this support chain.

A big heartfelt thanks to everyone. Especially to Cecilia on the ww forums who must have broken some typing speed records to post her response to my question. Just thanks.

Posted by Margaret at 1:28:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

I am of the parenting species and this means that nights out that involve me, involve a lot of planning. 3 months prior to event I have secured tickets or venue, two months out I have ensured enough responsible carers are on hand to take care of children, one month out I reconfirm everything, one week out and I get excited that I might actually be going out and having a fantastic time. Then it all comes crashing around in a screaming heap. 3 days before the event. 3 days before I was to immerse myself in an evening of entertainment, surrounded by thousands of like minded souls. Yes. The Kylie concert. The cancelled Kylie concert.

I know I should be grateful. I have 2 beautiful children. I have my health. I have a husband who doesn't want to shag Angelina Jolie, well he does, but he doesn't have the opportunity so I am not that worried, and it is only a concert. And, according to the booking office, I am recommended to hold onto my ticket as discussions are taking place and perhaps the concert is only postponed and not entirely cancelled. Perhaps Kylie has done me a favour. Perhaps this extra delay will mean that I can buy a smaller pair of jeans for the concert (when it is scheduled). Perhaps not only will I fit into the seat, but I will fit into it comfortably with room to put my bag full of gear I don't really need but will probably end up buying anyway.

So, to Kylie, I wish you all the best for a full recovery, come back fighting fit, and thank you for allowing me some extra time to whittle my butt down even more - who knows I just may have to get myself a pair of gold hotpants ;)


As a codicil to this post. I know that Breast Cancer is a serious illness and is not a disease to be made fun of or joked about. This however does not lessen my own personal disappointment at not going out this Friday.

Posted by Margaret at 8:32:00 am | Permalink | Comments

So far my 2 of my three exercise plans have not come to fruition. 1) My BB workout plan has failed miserably because I have yet to see one episode. I forgot that BB was on at 7.00 and as 7.30 is DS's bedtime it is an extremely hectic time of the day. And as I am officially VCR-handicapped I am yet to work out how to record a show. 2) My 'get up in the morning' plan has also not yet lifted off as we are going through a non-sleep period with my 3 yr old who has decided to only wear undies to bed - not pull ups. This has meant a couple of bed changes and long discussions re the concept of 'sleeping' every night. Now these are not excuses but reasons why these two particular plans of mine are not working. The third, the gym at lunch when I am at work is fine. I either do a class or go on the treadmill and the bike. So, this morning I am feeling disgruntled because I feel I am not exercising enough. BUT I am not going to throw in the towel. I know that things will settle down at home and those 2 plans are always ready to be kicked in when they can. So I need to come up with something else in the meantime. So here is my checklist

1) Find VCR manual. Learn to record. Set recording for BB each night or actually use it for something useful like recording Pilates at 10.00am on Foxtel every morning.

2) Sit down and work out when I have 30 minutes in a day where I am now spending it on crap (ie sitting on my tooch) and work out what I can do in that 30 minutes that will help reshape my body (if I can tape Pilates this would be a good step!!)

3) Clone myself so one can get some sleep

4) Either have a good laugh at myself or a good cry. Either way get on with it.

Oh and further to my 'thin' feeling of the other day, at kindy this morning when I am dropping off my beautiful sons, DS1 came up to me (in front of about 10 other parents) and said REALLY LOUDLY "Mummy are you having another baby" whilst patting my stomach. LOL. What a treasure.

Posted by Margaret at 8:29:00 am | Permalink | Comments

I am becoming used to the scales going down on Monday weigh in. I am grateful for this. I hope I will equally gracious when it slows down. Today I am extremely happy as I have lost 1.5kgs bringing the total to 7.7kgs in 6 weeks. I am getting quite excited now about the changes in my body. I can see where my waist is starting to pull in and my stomach is now not so much facing south as a little higher than south (LOL). My arms are becoming a little more defined and I think I can see some difference in my legs. My booty is still rounded but my clothes are starting to become a bit big so I know that that is shrinking too. And one day last week, I had a 'thin' day. The buttons finally were able to be done up on my blazer without pulling and I had stockings on, nice shoes, jewellery, makeup (all usually a bit of a hit and miss affair) and I felt thin. Hah - thin and a size 18. But it felt good and it reminded me how extraordinarily good it will feel when I am thin and a size 16, then 14, then we will see about 12.

Today will be fun. I am taking Mum and DS1 to check out the new Ikea store at Rhodes. As the promo says it is the biggest Ikea store in the southern hemisphere. I am hoping by the time we get there I would have figured out how to program my new pedometer (whoo hooo I have officially joined the ranks of the 'steppers') because I think I could easily walk a few thousand steps around the store. I am going to have a good day and replicate my efforts so that I can replicate my results. :)

Posted by Margaret at 8:14:00 am | Permalink | Comments

Yes, it is 10.00pm and we are back from the play date. Went well. We were invited to dinner and as I stood in the kitchen and watched every ingredient that went into the pots I was able to confidently guesstimate the points dinner was. It was a spag-bol and it was delicious. No dessert, no snacks, so I stayed on track today. And I am happy to report the frittata turned out magnificently, smells divine, and now I have to wait till tomorrow before I can taste it. I love it when a plan comes together :)

Posted by Margaret at 9:59:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

Over the last 6 weeks I can't say that I have been avoiding going out, but looking back I can see that I have spent most meals at home or in a situation where I have controlled the food. Today this will change. We are going to a 'play date' for my son and as the play date is set for 4pm (so that it is after sleep time) I am in a real quandry as to what will happen for dinner. We have not made arrangements to have dinner there but we will be there at least 2hrs and I am going to have to feed the children there before putting them in pyjamas for the drive home. So, what to do. I have had a light breakfast, lunch will be noodles, prawns and vegetables and a light snack. This then allows points if we are invited to dinner. But what if we aren't. I am going to be starving. So I am going to do something really 'anal' but I am going to make a frittata and a salad to take with us and keep in the car so that if we don't eat there, we can eat it on the way home. I just don't want to be in a situation where we end up going through a drive through because we will get home so late (it's about a 45 minute drive home). And if we do eat, I have breakfast already made. LOL at myself. Oh, and I will be bringing a plate of snacks. So what if it is cut up vegetables with hommus and some ww cookies laid out on a plate so it looks like I made them myself !!!

Posted by Margaret at 8:29:00 am | Permalink | Comments

I am a procrastinator. I freely admit this. It has been a huge problem all my life. I am always planning to start something 'tomorrow', or 'when I am thin', 'when I have enough money', 'when I have enough time', 'when I have the perfect outfit' etc etc. I think I am now starting to realise that if I waited for the perfect moment to do anything - I'll end up doing nothing at all. For example. I was reading Kimba's blog and got excited about starting an exercise programme in the morning before work. So I visited the site she had a link to purchase some super groovy kick boxing DVD's. Then I stopped. I have workout DVD's at home at the moment and I don't get out of bed. Why will buying these DVD's make me do anything differently. I was procrastinating. I was saying to myself "I will start exercising in the morning when I have the perfect workout". I doesn't work that way. I am sure that is the promise I made to myself when I bought the last DVD. So I didn't buy the new DVD. Yet. I am going to find the other DVD's I have, today, and use them for a week. If I can shift myself out of bed for one week for these DVD's, then I deserve to buy new ones because by then I know I would get out every morning. And I am worth the effort. And then I am going to starting kicking a$$. ;)

Posted by Margaret at 9:01:00 am | Permalink | Comments

Have you ever had one of those days when you were hungry all day and no matter what you ate you just stayed hungry? I had one of those days yesterday. I could have, to quote a co-worker "eaten the crutch out of a rag doll". Mmmmm - tasty. Yesterday was nothing special. I had all my food. I went to the gym to do a light treadmill/bike workout. But I was hungry all day. To try and help I grazed as I could not not eat for more than an hour. Very strange. For the first time I think I went over my points (only 2 and I had spare from previous day) purely because I wanted to eat. Not because I needed to eat. And I know this because if I was hungry for hungers sake I would have made a salad last night whilst I watched TV - not grabbed a handful of macadamia nuts.

I tried to analyse it (as I try to analyse everything) and thought a couple of things may have contributed. In the fridge at work I know that I had put some nestle chocolate mousse (yummo - 1pt) and some nestle lemon tart yoghurt (I love lemon - 1 1/2pt) so I think that because I knew they were there I wanted to eat them even though I was not really hungry at the time and then that just spiralled all day. Also, I did not have my d coke with breakfast. As I don't drink tea or coffee, d coke is my caffeine of choice and when we moved to level 6 the coke machine was left at level 22 and won't be moved down for a few weeks. I think I am seriously addicted to d coke and not having it threw me out. So today I will have my coke in the morning, and I will eat when I am hungry only, and I will keep away from any rag dolls ;)

Posted by Margaret at 8:59:00 am | Permalink | Comments

The 80's were a great decade for me. So many things happened and a great life changing moment. The earliest memory for me was living in Wagga Wagga and I am in my bedroom playing and replaying and replaying the tape (note tape - not CD) "Hits of 1981" I was playing it over and over and over again so that I could write down and learn the words. This was before the lyrics were printed inside the cover. To this day I can start and complete the entire Mental As Anything song "Too many times". Memories. Living in Wagga as a teenager was great. I never had to worry about my weight because I was always swimming in the river, walking miles to school, playing netball and softball. Ahhh those were the days. We then moved to SA - different school, different activities, still very active. When I left school I got a job. It was 1985. My first job. That is where my future husband worked. He fell in love with me the minute I walked in the door. I reciprocated about a year later (poor bugger). He was my life changing moment. And even though I spent a lot of the 80's fashion challenged I would not change a thing (except maybe for the extra wide elastic belt with the miniskirt look.. what was I thinking??). It is true that love is blind and as my relationship with my DH grew so did our weights and it was the 90's that stacked on the weight. Well now I am back in the 80's and am looking forward to once again revisiting the wonder that was '81. I think I have a quite a few weeks till I get there - but I will get there ;)

Posted by Margaret at 8:27:00 am | Permalink | Comments

It always seems to be the day that you plan on not doing any exercise that you end up doing more than you ever imagined. Picture this. Idealic day, sunny, not too hot. I have the day off work. I go into the city with Mum and 2 lovely boys in tow. We go in by train, we ride the Monorail (around and around and around the city). We get off at Darling Harbour. We walk. We play in the park. We have McDonalds (not me - I brought a salad). And then it is time to go home. Then my 3 year old refuses to take another step. I carry him. He is too heavy. He goes in the pram and I carry my 9mth. He throws up on my shoulder. On my white top. He had pumpkin. We get to Town Hall station and the lift to my platform is not working. There is no escalator. Only stairs. Which we can't go down as we have a sleeping 3yr old in pram. We have to walk to the next Station. The next station is great and we get to our home station. I leave Mum and the boys at the station and run home to get the car. We get home. I collapse. Son is now awake and wants to play as he has had a beautiful rest. I just love it. Oh yeh. We moved floors at work on the weekend and between floor 22 and floor 6 they threw out all of my stuff I had in the fridge. So now I have to go and buy more ww dressings and jams. Great - now I get to do extra steps. I am going to have a wonderful day.

A quick addition to my post. I re-read this and it comes across a bit negative. It's not. Just a funny "one of those days". I really am going to have a wonderful day today (LOL).

Posted by Margaret at 8:52:00 am | Permalink | Comments

I made a deal with myself at the beginning of my journey that I would not be euphoric over any weight loss, because that then opens the door to being irrationally depressed over any weight gain, but this morning when the scales posted a loss of 1.7kgs it was hard not to get excited because I am now, officially, an 80's girl.... Whooooo Hoooooo. *takes a moment - calms down :)*

Yesterday was a very interesting day. I decided that I would set the menu for the day - because it was Mothers Day - so had ww bacon and an egg for breakfast, had burritos for lunch and planned on having pumpkin/spinach curry for dinner with rice followed by ww chocolate sponge and custard. However. The day before I had roughly worked out what I thought the points would come in at for the Burritos. I could not find all the information I needed so ended up working them out at 5 points each. I was going to have 2. I had 2. I then used the packets of stuff to work out how many points they really were. For 2 burritos it was 17 points!!! Oops... I already had 2 points for breakfast so it only left me with 3 points for the day. I was determined not to go over as weigh in was this morning. So. I had the curry (0 pts) but no rice. I preferred to have the sponge (2 pts) and a share of the custard (0.5 pts) so in the end came in under for the day. If I had known I would have preferred to have 1 burrito and a huge salad. I won't be making that mistake again. And by the way. Whoooooooo Hoooooooo to me..

Posted by Margaret at 7:11:00 am | Permalink | Comments

Reading in a lot of blogs, it is obvious how important music is to how we feel on a day to day basis. I had forgotton how good music can make me feel. One day, my beloved son decided that the CD player in the car would make a good money box. From that day the CD player did not work (really - go figure!!) So when we got a new car on Thursday night, and I took it for a drive for a couple of hours on Friday it was such a pleasure to put in a CD (an adult CD - not the Wiggles) and just let myself go with the music. I am quite eclectic in my tastes so Robbie Williams started me off followed by some Mozart. (I know - update my CD collection PLEASE..) I am going to partake in this little pleasure more often and have my portable CD player ready by the door to take to work on Tuesday. Music feeds my soul and that is a lot healthier than letting food do it. :)

Posted by Margaret at 10:58:00 am | Permalink | Comments

It doesn't seem to matter how old you are, when your Mum comes to visit you are transported back to an age where not cleaning your room meant being grounded, and the contents of the fridge are expected to be really disgusting. I am really looking forward to picking Mum up today and spending some time alone with her before we pick up the boys from childcare, but what is really funny is that whilst I am typing this my mind is going "must remember to make all the beds properly, are the towels folded the right way in the bathroom, have I put all the dishes away, must make a good impression". Funny. Mum has been here a few times but it is the first visit to Sydney since Oscar was born. I do put a lot of pressure on myself. But at the same time I am surprisingly calm because I have had my cereal & yoghurt for breakfast. I have an apple for the drive and we will be going grocery shopping on the way back so I can create a safe food stash at home. I had no desire to nick into McD on the way home to get hotcakes (used to do that a lot on days off). I have no desire to eat any of the boys food - just because I can. I'm feeling pretty good actually:) I am in control.

Posted by Margaret at 8:53:00 am | Permalink | Comments

It has been 5 weeks now where I have been working in an environment where all my food choices are safe ones. I have my spot in the fridge where I stack up every Monday morning and replenish with salad during the week. I have my filing cabinet which has more ww food than Coles :) So my choices have been good, and easy. And with only 2 days in a weekend I have been doing OK there too. Now comes a challange. My Mum is coming over to stay with us for 3 weeks. Yaaaaaa. And I have taken some leave to spend some time with her. Each Friday and Monday for the next 3 weeks. So now I have only 3 days in my food safe haven, and 4 days in the real world. As we will be going out with the boys and taking them to fun places it will be my first real test to see if I can put into action all the things I have learnt about food and portions and points in the last 5 weeks. I think I will be OK. When we go to McDonalds, we'll buy for the boys and take the food to the park so I can eat my "brought from home" food. When we go shopping I'll make sure I have enough things to get me through. When we go to friends I'll make good choices or eat fruit. If we go out to eat, I'll plan to save some extra points for that meal and have soup or salad for the other meal. I'm a little excited to see how I go because this is not a diet for me, this is a chance for me to change my eating habits for good. I want to lose weight so that is the motivation to stick at it and get used to this new way of life. And it is not a bad way either. Oh, and on your advice, I have taken my measurements and compared them to last month. I am happy to report that whilst I knew I was fitting in my clothes better it was really great to see exactly how many cm's I had trimmed off. 10cm to be exact. It put a fresh spring in my step and I am ready for whatever gets thrown at me - hopefully not a cream pie ;)

Posted by Margaret at 8:50:00 am | Permalink | Comments

If I had to find a silver lining in my gaining weight (and that's a tough one - maybe it's bronze) it would be that I gained weight evenly all over with very little on my face. But at the same time that this was a blessing I think it comes cloaked in all sorts of dangers which I am already facing on my way down the scale. People think they are being so kind, so "helpful" when they give you compliments. Unfortunately most compliments come in a backhanded sort of way that I think can be the undoing of most peoples attempts at weight loss. Things like "You are doing so well, it won't matter if you have one slice of cake" or "You don't want to lose too much weight - your face will get gaunt", or my favourite "You know you look nice just the way you are - why do you want to change?" These comments normally come from people I know very well, the very people that I would think should be more in tune to how I am feeling and what I want to do. I have only lost 4.5kgs. I have another 23kgs to go to goal. I don't understand why people do this. I think I am lucky that at the moment there are 6 out of the 8 ladies at my work exercising, watching what they eat, and supporting each other. The other 2 are already at ideal body weights. And at home, my DH has lost 20kgs in the last 16 weeks so he is more than supportive of anything I do. But it is the extended family and friends group that put these comments out. Are they jealous? Are they afraid that my change will impact on them? Does my action show up their inaction? Or do they truely think it is a compliment? All I know is that I am doing this for the right reasons. I am doing this for me. Not for anyone else. ME. And I know best- just ask my husband ;). So I am going to continue to count my points (becoming quite the expert now), I am going to continue my exercise, and I am going to keep delving into the funny little world that is mine.

Thank you to everyone who posted a comment yesterday, or sent me an email. I am overwhelmed by the support and being quite the emotional girl, have had to dig into the Kleenex this morning. I love the no b*s support. Thank you.

Posted by Margaret at 8:15:00 am | Permalink | Comments

When I started this journey I had lots of expectations and no expectations - all at the same time. I expected to lose weight. That was a given. What I didn't expect was that to lose weight I had to make lots of discoveries. About myself. About long held beliefs and ideas. And then I had to let some of these go. I think I have lost more weight from letting go of old memories, pains, and ideas than from the actual fat loss itself. And I have more to go. One of my greatest fears at the moment is that doing exercise is going to bring back my back pain. I know that the opposite is actually true, that by losing the weight and building up some core strength to support my abs and back is actually going to help minimise any future pain but that does not lessen my fear. I am actively fighting my fear by actively partaking in exercise, some gentle some not so gentle but I am sick of living my life in fear of something that may not happen. A bit of history. At age 17 during a party in a beautiful country town in SA called Nairne, I slipped over and knocked myself out causing concussion and a week long stay in a dark room. However the medical dr's did not point out to me that on the x-ray it was very clear 2 vertabrae in my neck had been knocked out of place. Fast forward 10 years and my back had been trying to counter balance the neck by curving my spine and twisting my hips (nice!!). This is where my love relationship began with chiro's who started my long journey back to health. Fast forward again to 13th December 2001 to the labour ward and during the birth of my beautiful first born son, I ruptured (blew, prolapsed) 3 discs (very big ouch). During the next two years I was in a twilight zone of pain as I walked in a really strange manner by sort of leaning to the left by about a 45 degree angle. It was very bizarre and not very nice. No one could work out how to fix it. My chiro, my physio, the really ancient chinese guy I went to for some 'traditional' treatments (ouchy), the doctors, anyone. Then I had to go deeper. I went back to my chiro and we started some physical treatment combined with some deep neural treatment. This is when we discovered that my pain was very much locked into my emotions. About an hour and lots of crying later the first step to my recovery began. Once it was identified that my body had locked onto the emotion of the painful birth I could begin to let it go - and with it a lot of pain went. Then it was just physical therapy to get me to stand up straight again. Fast forward to the birth of my second son and it was beautiful. Not one bit of pain, not one injury and during the months of pregnancy when the joints are soft all my previous injuries were rectified. I now stand up straight. I now have the ability to do exercise with no pain. I now can pick up my children without having to be sitting down first. And I don't want to give that up. And that is why I have my fear. And that is why I am fighting it and doing something about it. It is the fear (coupled with the very real physicality) that aided my weight gain and it sure isn't going to hinder my weight loss....

Posted by Margaret at 8:01:00 am | Permalink | Comments

For the first time in my journey I am posting a gain this week. The scales moved up 400gms to settle in at 91kgs. I have spent a lot of time this morning going back and forth in my mind as to why this has occurred and fluctuating between being really annoyed and disappointed to fed up and cranky. But after much analyzing, re-checking, and calculating what I have done this week I know that I can keep going because the overall positive feelings I have still outweigh the negative feelings of today.

Negative
1. I followed my points and it's not fair that I have a weight gain today
2. I exercised in some capacity every day and it's not fair that I have a weight gain today

Positive
1. I followed my points and know I can stay within my range
2. I am exercising
3. If I had not started my journey I would not be 4.5kgs lighter today
4. I have met some really great people on-line
5. I feel healthier
6. My clothes fit me (not even more comfortably - they just fit :) )
7. I feel more positive about myself
8. I have no excuses as I didn't deviate from the plan.
9. If the current weight loss pattern continues I will still get to goal
10.I know that because of the above I will continue this journey

I know that I stuck to my points and ate well and balanced my meals. Therefore I have to trust my body and know that this is not a permanent arrangement (the gain) and that things will go in the right direction if I keep going. As long as I keep in control and not let the 'monsters' take over I shall be fine. As far as my exercise is going I am a little sad that I will not be taking part in my fatburning class today. On the weekend I split my little toe when I stupidly ran into the back of the trolley I was pushing. I have my sneakers on and my gym clothes with me but it is all I can do to walk without pain, so I shall walk at lunch -slowly - but I shall go. At least I am moving. *takes deep breath*. Here I go into month 2.

Posted by Margaret at 8:51:00 am | Permalink | Comments

When is a vegetarian not a vegetarian? When they eat meat!!! After spending a fun filled afternoon preparing a sumptious vegetarian meal - making sure I balanced flavours, colours and ingredients whilst also ensuring that the meal would be filling for us carnivores (and come in at a reasonable point value) I was discussing with the vegetarian in question why she decided to be a vegetarian. To which she replied "Oh I eat fish (is that not a meat?) and chicken (hello - legs, breathing, flesh!) and now and again I eat bacon (oink anyone!) but I just don't like the taste of red meat... Now to be fair the guests are work collegues of DH and it was through him that I was advised of the 'V' status. I should have perhaps followed this up with a "how vegetarian is the vegetarian" but I did think that was a bit rude of me to even think at the time. Aargh... Now don't get me wrong I did have fun looking up suitable recipes, I did enjoy all the food that I made, and everyone once again enjoyed a meal straight out of the ww cookbook, BUT it would have been so much easier for me, and a lot less stress, just to whack a bit of feather covered carcass on the bbq and be done with it. Much easier. And yes, during a rousing game of scrabble (during which I kicked the preverbial) I was once again reminded that chocolate is indeed, not a protein....

Posted by Margaret at 6:51:00 am | Permalink | Comments