My Journey

This journey was always going to be an interesting one. Seeing if I could actually stick at it longer than a change of season, or a change of mind, or a change of the daily specials menu at the Chinese take away shop. And I knew that I would change. Knew that I would learn different things. The one thing I did not expect was the bonus of a support group.

In the last few days I have had so much support and good wishes, prayers and helpful thoughts, from old friends and new that it is staggering. I am truely blown away. There are times when I question where we are going as a species. As a planet of people who are becoming more isolated due to violence, fear, aggression and the breakdowns of common courtesy and manners. There were times before I got pregnant when I questioned whether it was worth bringing a new life into this world - when there is so much pain, so much suffering, so much anger. I have had times since I have had children when I questioned my own sanity at having had them due to the unspeakable horrors that have happened around the world.

Then I met you. Through this blog I have had my faith in the goodness of humanity restored. Sure, we are but a small group but as a slice of the population you have shown me that there are still good people. People who have empathy. Real people who share in the common aim of success for all. No judging. No recriminations. And I am just so grateful.

(And I will get back to all the new people who popped in, over the next week or two. Thank you for taking the time to say hello. I am looking forward to getting to know you better)

***

Now. My legs were so sore today. After doing my first weights programme yesterday I thought I came out of it pretty well. Until I woke up today. After a shower and a quick run around this morning they came good, but after sitting behind my desk for a couple of hours I almost toppled over when I stood up. I would love to say I really love that feeling but I am not sure that I do. I must have looked like I was in pain though because the Health & Safety guy came over to me to find out if I still needed to be on the immobility list. I had to laugh. I was put on this list when I had my bad back. They decided in case of a fire I was too immobile to be allowed to walk down the stairs and had to wait for the fire brigade to come and get me and take me down the goods elevator. I have been on the immobility list for 3 years. I am now off it. How good is that :)

Points FTD: 30 ish (need to work on this)
Sugar Points:12
Exercise: None
TIAGF: The internet.

Posted by Margaret at 7:15:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

On Friday Mum went into hospital to have her gall bladder removed. It had huge stones that could not be blasted out. Whilst under they performed a by-pass operation for the bile duct as that was completely blocked. But not by a stone. By Cancer. There is a tumour near the pancreas that is significantly agressive. Apparently they have a scan from a few months ago when Mum really started noticing the pains and the growth since then was significant. The biopsies taken at the time of the op have now confirmed that the Cancer has spread throughout. They cannot operate.

The prognosis. Weeks rather than months.

I will be flying to Adelaide on Friday night as Mum is due home on the weekend. My older Sister (who lives in Canada) is making arrangements to come soon as well. My younger sister (who is pregnant and due in November) will be taking the weekend off work. My Dad is in shock.

For the last few days it has been frustrating waiting for the details but my older sister spoke to the Dr herself this morning and got all the information. She told me. I told my Dad. He didn't know. He is a very lost soul today. Mum and he have an unusual relationship. They have been together a long time, are both Dutch and very stubborn, they do their own thing, but in their own way they love each other very much. My Dad will let my Mum's identical twin sister know. She will take it very hard.

My updating and reading may be a bit sparodic for a little while (or I will write more than ever before because I need a release) but please know that I am still thinking of all of you and supporting you all in this wonderful journey through life we are taking together. I am still going to be good to myself, and gentle too sometimes because I will have to be the strong one for a few months. Even though all our attention and effort and love will be devoted to Mum, I know that I am worth taking care of too and I know and understand that this does not make me a selfish person.

After discussions with DH tonight I will be talking to work tomorrow. I will probably ask them if I can move to Adelaide for a couple of months and work out of the Adelaide office. I am sure they will say yes. That way I can still work, but be very very close, and be available every night. (and you never know I may have to track AGR down and get her to take me running LOL)

Thank you all for your wonderful thoughts and prayers. I am OK. I will be sad from time to time, but I will also be strong. I will care for others, but I will take time for myself. Death is part of life and I know that I cannot wave a magic wand and make this go away so the best I can do is just be there.

Posted by Margaret at 10:43:00 am | Permalink | Comments

The scales showed a loss this week of 1.7kgs bringing my overall loss to 17.4kgs. I have misplaced my trusty tape measure so will skip measuring this month and update at the end of next month.

I had my fitness assessment at the gym today and have found out that I am rated as 'Good'. Actually at the top of the 'Good' rating. I was hoping to get 'Rotten' so I could build up slowly but now I am actually going to have to work to improve this rating. I know that the weight loss may slow this month, I may even gain a little, as I will be starting my resistance training. But I accept that this will be just as the body starts to put on the muscle, then it should start dropping again. But I think the real difference will be in the measurements. I am hoping to give the baby belly a huge shove :)

With all the events of the last week one thing I have learnt about myself is that I have a much greater respect for 'me' than I have ever had before. Apart from one hunting session I have been eating and drinking well. I did go over my points for the week but as this was the first week of my reduced points it wasn't that bad. It was still less than the week before. Whilst I know that there are many ways to lose weight and a lot of different plans to follow, I have found that by following the tools laid out by ww it has given me the framework I need to work to.

There have been lots of things in the past that triggered an emotional eating frenzy, and it did nothing other than lower my already dented self-esteem and continue the cycle of gaining weight. And these triggers are going to continue for the rest of my life. There will always be something sad (hopefully not too often), something happy, something exciting, something scary that is going to happen. And these things will trigger emotions. It is just that now I am better equipped to handle it. If I am going to eat it will more than likely be healthy. If I eat unhealthily it will more than likely be one day not a week. If I eat unhealthily in a day it is more likely to be one meal not all of them. Little improvements like that will see to it that if I do fall off the wagon, at least I won't let it run me over. :)

Points FTD: 20
Sugar Points:0
Points Left FTW: 120
Exercise: Fitness test. 20 min on treadmill incl 3 x 2 min jogs.
TIAGF: Soft tissues.

Posted by Margaret at 8:34:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

It is Ok to be sad. Especially when you look hot in your new Nelly's. And I do. Am working on photos. Am still waiting on specific 'Mum' information. But while I wait, I may as well look good ;)

Points FTD: 21
Sugar Points:0
Points Left FTW: -??
Exercise: Walk at Balmoral.
TIAGF: Soft tissues.

Posted by Margaret at 6:48:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

Tonight I am a bit sad. My Mum had gone into hospital for an operation and whilst the op went OK they found things when they were in there and it does not look good. She has only just got out and my Dad is on his way to the Hospital to have a chat and get more information. I know I shouldn't react by eating - but I did. I have been watchful all week, counting, tracking, making good choices - even after the accident. But I was so hopeful that the news would be good. But it isn't. So I went hunting. There are not many choices with which to be unhealthy in my house. That is a good thing. But I managed to sniff out a pack of chocolate covered wafers. And have slowly eaten them all. (They were delicious by the way but will never darken my doorstep again!).

My plan for tonight is to go and lie down and wait for the phone to ring. I don't want to eat anything. I don't want to drink anything. So shall no further sabotage my week. I am done. I am just so sad and I had forgotten how much sadness hurts. Even when Dad got sick the details were so positive before he went in for his op that I didn't get to this level of sadness. This is different. It really hurts.

I have turned off the comments for this post because I know that the beautiful, wonderful, supportive people that pop in here from time to time will wish me the best and send me virtual hugs and I thank you all for that now. I just think I need to write this one for me. And Mum.

I love you Mum.



**Edit to post** - I seem to be doing a lot of this lately. I have just caught up on all my blog reading and I am feeling so much better now. I feel happier and calmer. And I still have to laugh at the strawberry pavlova facepack. Thank you.


Points FTD: Too many
Exercise: None
TIAGF: My Mum

Posted by Margaret at 8:35:00 pm | Permalink

I am really proud of myself today. It would have been so easy to eat, eat, eat, and the craving for McD hotcakes smothered in whipped butter and lashings of hot sauce has not yet completely abated. And I believe I have chosen that craving because I walked past this morning on the way into the office and I believe McD purposefully pump the smell into the street to suck innocent passersby in. Buggers.

Anyway. You see today I started the day in smashing fashion - literally. We were involved in a 4 car pile up in the middle of Sydney CBD. Noice. Everyone is fine bar a few little aches (which we are checking out) but shock of the impact reduced me to a teary sniffling mess for a few minutes. As the driver that is not a good look. Our car took the full impact of the truck that was trying to wedge itself up our tail pipe and we ended up impaled on the tow bar of the car in front and that car kissed the car in front of him. Not happy Jan. But the silver lining is that we re-acquainted ourselves with the only distant relative of DH's that lives in Sydney as his car was the car in front of us. We said "Say Hi to your Mum for us" and he has invited us around to his house for a BBQ. LOL.

The car is driveable and the truck driver has insurance so it should all work out OK, just the inconvenience is a real pain. We drive a big car as we seem to always have a pram, a bike, a couple of balls, and a million bags in the back, as well as 2 child seats and they generally don't all fit in the loan cars we get. We shall survive. We have done it before and I count my blessings that I am here to have a whinge about it at all. :)

Moving on. I ate well. I had to really watch myself as I felt like 'picking' all day but I kept my tracker by my side and made good choices and wrote everything down. I only went a little over points (as I miscalculated the prawn & wonton soup I had for lunch - oops) and I ticked off all my food groups. And I had a lovely shopping evening with my boys as we shopped for a 3yr old birthday party. I dressed the boys in their p.j.'s before we left and they fell asleep on the way home. Transferred them both to bed and now I have some time to myself. Life is good. Pretty smashing actually ;)

If anyone has a spare invitation to g-mail I would love to be sent one. I have one that I use for here (and I love it) but DH is desperate for one for our up-and-coming business and I was trying to wait till I got the opportunity to invite him but one hasn't arrived. Speaking of DH - I have been advised it is his turn on the PC tonight - cheeky. Catch up tomorrow *mwah*.

*Edit to post*: Thank you so much to Kelli & Mary who both sent me an invitation. I have picked it up and created an address. We appreciate this so much as it will make a real difference. As soon as I get the opportunity to invite someone else - I shall do so.

Points FTD: 22
Sugar Points:0
Points Left FTW: 38
Exercise: Shopping
TIAGF: Having a strong, well built car. And for living in general.

Posted by Margaret at 8:26:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

Boy, reading that last post again makes me realise how truely strange and twisted I can be sometimes. I am starting to understand why not everybody gets my style or sense of humour. But as long as I do - that's OK!

I am still bouncing along but I do think my complete dive into silliness, and my inability to sleep last night (note to self: It is not a good idea to get up at 1.00am to put another load in the wash & fold up some laundry because I can't sleep!!) is because I have cut back on my d.coke and gone off my nice sleepy meds all at the same time. I seriously was drinking too much d.coke so I am drinking it army style now. 2 cans per me per day.

Also, I realise that as I don't turn to food for comfort anymore I compensate by doing other things. And that generally means when I am worried I put myself in a heightened state of joviality. I'm covering up that there is something going on and I don't want to talk about it. It's not me personally but close enough that I am on edge. Hopefully the situation will turn out not to be too serious and I can relax. Fingers crossed.

That's the great thing about following a plan. It gives me a framework to eat within so I don't have to think too much about that. I just now have to work on other coping mechanisms.

Special mention to Jonny for the visial image of builders crack, and Leisa for Kimmee's diamond g-banger, and we won't even go near Jodies comment. LMAO

Points FTD: 23.5
Sugar Points:0
Points Left FTW: 60
Exercise: 30 min walk
TIAGF: Silly behaviour exceptance

Posted by Margaret at 7:34:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

The debate has raged for years. Who is better? Harry or Barry. They are fighting it out in a monumental argument but I shall first introduce the characters.

Harry (otherwise known as Harry High Pants)

They were the jeans you wore in the 80's that were so high most of them finished only a few centimetres under the breasts and you had to undo the zipper (no buttons back then) to do up your shoes.

Barry (otherwise known as Barry Bum Crack)

These are the jeans introduced by designers out to cause havoc with normal curvaceous women that can cause much embarrasment if bending over too close to a bike rack or near someone who needs a holder for their umbrella.

Today I sought to find the answer to this debate as I shopped for a new pair of jeans. Not a used hand me down pair from DH (though I did love those Diesels - till they started falling off). Not a new pair from the oversized section (though I appreciate and loved them when I needed them). But a brand spanking new pair from a standard shop.

Harry lost
Barry lost

Meet Nelly (otherwise known as Nelly Nice Fit)

Couple of inches higher than Barry, couple of feet shorter than Harry. Can be worn in public without fear of someone recognising your underwear brand. Comes in a delicious size 14 which makes me look sensational. Well except for the little muffin effect it caused but that will be gone in a few weeks ;)

Very happy with Nelly.

Sidenote: Thank you for all your support for my arrival into the 70's. Will try not to do a Shirley (though it did take me a few seconds to work out it was not Shirely Temple we are talking about). Having a great time.

Points FTD: 16.5
Sugar Points:0
Points Left FTW: 83.5
Exercise: 20 min walk on treadmill. 5 min on the stepper
TIAGF: Nelly nice fit's

Posted by Margaret at 9:26:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

With a drop of 600gms on the scales this week I am happy to announce that I am now, officially LIVING IN THE 70's - yeah. Whooooo Hoooooo

I have had a brilliant day today. I was so excited when I got off the scales and realised that I am now down to 20 points a day. And to make sure the mousse cake and lemon tarts don't show up on the result next week I made an extra effort at the gym today. I had to laugh though as the speed on the treadmill maxed out at a paltry 4km/hr when only two weeks ago I had it up to 9km for a little wee jog. I will get back to that but slow and steady will definitely win this race.

And, by the way, how did I get to 20 weeks!. It seems like I haven't been doing this journey that long at all (though at other times I do admit to feeling like I have been on it forever LOL). I sometimes forget that the weight didn't jump onto my body overnight, so it isn't going to disappear overnight either. But looking in the mirror today, and seeing some of the more noticeable physical changes, it does kind of feel like I turned around and here I am. I can live with that.

And no, am not about to take up a position as a ww leader - but happy to shoot off at the mouth whenever asked - but I think as a group we all give them a run for their money :)

Points FTD: 20
Sugar Points: 2
Points Left FTW: 120
Exercise: 20 min walk on treadmill.
TIAGF: The hip and happening 70's

Posted by Margaret at 7:47:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

Emily made a comment on one of my many meandering posts that has had me thinking all weekend.

If I could be a ww Leader for a Day, what would I talk about at my meeting?

Well this just led me down so many paths about what would I want to hear at a meeting. It must be so difficult as a Leader to get the balance right between maintaining motivation for the ww'ers who have been coming to meetings for a number of weeks, months or even years and encouraging enthusiasm for the first timer who has come in with hopes, dreams, fear and a passion for weight loss. How do you give information every week to a group that comprises someone who wants to know what week 1 is all about, and someone who has lost 15kgs with 12kgs to go and has suffered a plateau, to someone who is only 2.7kgs off their goal and has lost motivation. Shit. This is going to be harder than I thought. There are so many things I would want to hear. I want to hear that I can do it. I want to hear that it is a simple process. I want to hear that I will build my success each week. I want to hear that there is support wherever I turn. I want to hear all about the points. I want to know where I can get a family block of chocolate that is point free. I want to hear that I will be beautiful.

What I need to hear is that to truly succeed I need to be honest. Be honest every day. Be honest about the food I have eaten. Be honest about what I drink. Be honest about the exercise I do. Be honest about my feelings and what is driving me to do this journey. Open myself to learn through this experience and as each result and consequence is raised - be honest about what that does to my life. If I were to be a ww Leader for a Day I would say that the best thing we can all do for ourselves is be honest.

I honestly don't know how many points I consumed today as the Michelles Chocolate Mousse cake and homemade lemon tart does not appear on my points spreadsheet. LOL.

Points FTD: roughly 36
Sugar Points: roughly 8 or 36
Points Left FTW: - something
Exercise: Walk at Balmoral. Walking up and down a flight of stairs approx 20 times.
TIAGF: Good friends

Posted by Margaret at 7:36:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

I have had a great but tiring day today. I do miss blogging during the day (and by that I mean I miss reading everyone elses blog during the day) but the time I used to spend doing that I am now spending on doing work. Which the bosses would appreciate I am sure. But I have been working on a project for a while now that has gone pretty much no-where and has been so frustrating but now there is a new member on the team and suddenly it is all action and fast paced and hectic and I LOVE IT...

I am not a systems developer. I am not even a really good systems user. But I am a brilliant systems breaker. That is my part of the job. People (read blokes) create these fancy-shmancy programmes that are supposed to save people at the work face (read women) hundreds of hours of work time and usually they get it so wrong that it just causes more rework and angst for the workers. So in comes me. I sit in front of my PC and try to break the program. I time it. I check that there is no double up. And stupid steps (which invariably there is) so that by the time it gets released, the user is actually glad that it came into being. I love that part of my job.

My back is feeling excellent. I am very happy I did not do any damage to my discs. And my pelvis is almost perfectly behaving itself again. The residual muscle spasms and nerve 'grabs' in my leg are being kept at bay with medication and each treatment I get improves me out of sight. So aiming for a quiet weekend and back to the gym on Monday. Whoooo Hooooo. I am so excited. Little annoyed that I have wasted the first official week of my membership but that can't be helped. What should I do first. I know. I think I will ask Jay, or Michael, or Juan *sigh just thinking of his perfect pecs, his dark beautiful eyes, and long long eyelashes* ooops getting carried away there LOL, I will ask them to suggest some low impact work - probably just walking will do it. But it never hurts to get an attractive, I mean informed opinion. ;)

Points FTD: 27.5 (from now on corn chips are banned from this house!)
Sugar Points: 10
Points Left FTW: 42
Exercise: Special knee lifts. Arm exercises.
TIAGF: Fridays

Posted by Margaret at 8:38:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

I am currently reading a book (I know - another one!) called 'The One Minute Millionaire". I figured as I was starting to shake off all my weight related demons it was about time I got serious and looked at shaking off all my success/failure related demons (that's another entire story right there).

I am not very far in but the book has highlighted to me already how easily I used to attribute blame for certain things on people or circumstance and how that habit is slowly changing in relation to eating and exercise. For example. If out at a party or function the old me would have scoffed everything in sight and attributed the blame for my weight gain to the hostess "Oh it was Nadia's fault - she makes such delicious pastries" thereby removing any responsibility from myself. Or "gee it was so cold that I just had to have the battered fish instead of the salad and could not possibly go out for a walk" putting the blame squarely on the weather and not on myself. Who was I kidding? Placing the responsibility on another person does not help me lose weight. Placing the responsibility on the weather does not help me tone up. I realise now that I am responsible for everything I do. I understand that circumstances shape my responses and that some choices will not be as good as I would like them to be, but each decision, each choice, is MY responsibility.

It is my mind and my body and I have the power to make the right choices.

So I am not going to go the fridge and have a Breezer. I am not. I am not. I am not. Though it would be funny to see how it reacts with the medication ;)

Points FTD: 24
Sugar Points: 0
Points Left FTW: 69.5
Exercise: Special knee lifts. Arm exercises.
TIAGF: Alternatives

Posted by Margaret at 7:39:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

8 months ago DS1's favourite carer from Kindy moved to Darwin as her BF had to move for work. We were very sad to see her go as she and DS1 shared a very special bond. Unfortunately for her, the relationship did not work out, and fortunately for us, she has moved back to Sydney and is temping at Kindy until she starts uni next year. When I went to pick up the boys today it is the first time she has seen me since I started losing weight. I didn't think anything of it until she almost fell over and said how great I looked. Even with a funny walk ;)

Makes me feel extra glad I had a good lunch today. As I can't walk very far (even the loos are too far away in my opinion!) I asked my friend KD what she was having for lunch, and whatever she got could she get for me too. As KD is following Sureslim I was pretty sure she would get something lowish in points but the risk was there. We settled on a Sumo Salad. The new ww Eating Out Guide has the full list and I chose an Asian Chicken Salad with Spicy Thai Dressing for 4 points. Yummo. So much better than hobbling downstairs for a pie and chips. Which I really felt like. Which I am glad I did not have.

Having a good day :)


(This is last nights post but still can't get internet on the home PC. Will work on that tonight - and do a catch up)


Points FTD: 21
Sugar Points: 0
Points Left FTW: 93.5
Exercise: Special knee lifts. Arm exercises.

Posted by Margaret at 10:17:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

Bigpond was down at my house so quick post today at work. I am feeling much stronger. Had two treatments yesterday and can walk so much better now. Still have to take it easy as my left foot continuously goes numb - which can make walking a bit tricky :)

Did my knee lifts yesterday and also did some arm exercises to try and get rid of the bat wings. Nothing too strenuous but enough to make me feel like I did something.

It is a beautiful sunny day today and even though in pain, I am on the right side of the soil and will enjoy every minute of it. Oh, and I have moved every pair of scissors out of sight, just in case ;)

NB: The scissors refer to a comment left by a crazed fan on the last post LOL. Love your work

Points FTD: 21
Sugar Points: 0
Points Left FTW: 114.5

Posted by Margaret at 8:38:00 am | Permalink | Comments

Firstly I would like to say a huge Thank You to everyone who comments on my blog. I love to get the raw and sincere feedback and after yesterdays post I am overwhelmed by your support and comments. I truely appreciate it and as it is the first time today I have sat at the PC, to get it all at once is incredible.

The scales this morning posted a gain of 100gms which I am thankful for as I have still lost over 15kgs. What I am more thankful for is that I was able to stand on the scales. You see, in the wee hours of this morning, 2.20am to be exact, I was in the lounge giving DS2 a little feed. We normally don't feed him at this time but as he has a little cold and was very unsettled I decided a really good way for all of us to get some sleep was to feed him. I was very uncomfortable sitting in the lounge with the niggle really a dull pain. Then I tried to stand up. And failed. And had to scream out to DH to come and get DS2 before I dropped him. Something had given way. I have NEVER felt pain like that before. I screamed all the way back to bed. I alternated between screaming and crying for the next 1 1/2 hours before the wonderful Doctor came and stuck a needle full of pethadine in my butt. Aaaaaaaaah. The relief lasted long enough to get a couple of hours sleep. DH stayed home today and I have had a treatment with has ruled out that it is my back that caused it, but a twist in my pelvis which had pinched the sciatica nerve. I am so happy. I would be happier if the pain would go completely away but the Panadine Forte helps and another treatment tomorrow should see the healing continue.

So. My first hurdle. I am so glad I posted yesterday because today I really do believe that back pain does not equal fat. I have eaten well and have soup and toast planned for dinner. Something easy that DH can heat up and make for me. First hurdle overcome. I am not able to sit at the PC for long so will be back for a while tonight, and during the day tomorrow to catch up on blog reading.

And even though not much, I have exercised today. I have special knee lifts to do to help stabilise my pelvis. They are not pretty but IT IS exercise ;)

Points FTD: 18.5
Sugar Points: 0
Points Left FTW: 135.5

Posted by Margaret at 5:40:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

Whilst watching the City 2 Surf on TV, and cheering madly for all the runners including DH, Jodie, and some friends from work, I finished my book. Confessions of a Reformed Dieter by A.J. Rochester. I cried, I laughed, I nodded my head a lot whilst reading it. I got this book at exactly the right time for me.

A long time ago I posted a little bit about my history, and more specifically about my back. Since I began this journey I had not experienced any back pain. Nothing more than a normal tiredness that could be associated with exercise, or over exersion of some sort. But last week, after the party, the pain started in. A little niggle in the lower left. A sharp little niggle that means moving from a sitting to standing position takes about 30 - 40 seconds. And the same in reverse. That is a long time. A sharp little niggle that means moving the wrong way will send spasms down both legs and into my hands. A sharp little niggle that has me so scared that I am starting to go back to where I was that I did the only thing possible (other than to do nothing at all) and that was to eat. I knew what I was doing was silly and would not make me feel better. I knew what I was doing was more likely to make me feel cranky, and frustrated, and disappointed in myself. And I was right (go figure).

So when I was reading about AJ's visit to her shrink and the shrink explained that sometimes we have such deep seeded relationships with food that when we are in a situation we have been in before, we revert immediately to the habits we had then. Whilst it had been many years since I had been able to do up the zip on a size 12 anything, it was really after the birth of DS1 and the escalation of the back pain that the weight really piled on. During that period I ate a lot. I exercised little. I drank a lot. I felt sorry for myself most of the time. It was not a great period of my life. So when the pain started, and stayed last week I started feeling sorry for myself again - thinking that "this is it - my life is going to be crap all over again" and the old patterns started creeping in. I realise now that I associate back pain with being fat. What I should be saying is that I associate back pain with back pain. It can happen at any size and I don't need to make it worse by eating myself stupid everytime it kicks back in.

Things have to change around here.

I went to the Chiro yesterday and we had a workout. I discussed my fears and she asked what I had been doing differently. I said running (does jogging at 9km/hr count as running?). She said that the running did not cause this but allowed the pain to come through. I need to stop running. For a month. And I have to build up the muscles in my pelvic floor (which is where the pain is generating from but manifesting in my back). I will work on this. I have some not so graceful or lady-like exercises that I need to do (in the privacy of my own home) and I have to use the stair climber type machine at the gym - slowly - and all the while squeezing squeezing sqeezing.

Something else that I learned from the book is how much the body will adapt to the exercise you are doing and how it will come to accept levels as normal and cause the weight to maintain instead of lose. And what to do about it. I am doing the right thing going to the gym and getting a weights program. I am doing the right thing. And regardless of the pain (I say that now heavily loaded with anti-inflammatories and Bacardi Breezers - ooops) I am going to do something physical EVERY DAY. Not on the third full moon of the month following a full eclipse of the sun. EVERY DAY. Something. Anything. Over and above my walk to Central. That no longer counts and will not appear on my blog. If that is all I do my exercise will show None. And I don't want "none" to show.

Taking things into perspective I have been working on my lifestyle and habit changes for a short 19 weeks. In this 19 weeks I have achieved a lot. It has been due to simple, but not easy, changes to my day to day life. And I don't need to throw it away due to one back incident. My achievements to date are:

I have lost 15.2kgs (to-date, weigh in is tomorrow so this may change)
I have lost 80 odd cms off my body
I have gone from a size 22-24 to 14-16
I can now actually run (without looking like a penguin)
My hair does not fall out as much
My skin looks really great
I am a lot more positive (well still working on that this week)
My children now actively participate in outdoor, exercising type activities, every weekend
I have only had pizza 3 times!
I have only been over my weekly points 3 times (mmm wonder if it coincided with pizza intake)
I have not had KFC, Hungry Jacks or McDonalds
I am way more energetic
I have learnt to blog
I have opened myself up to new ways of doing things
I have re-discovered my love of cooking
I have re-discovered by distaste for doing cooking dishes
I have learnt that one day does not make this journey
I know that I can pick myself up and start making the right choices at any time
I know that the power is mine

I needed to do this. I need to understand that I do understand what I am doing. Will it make it easier for me to stop slipping into bad habits. No. Will it make it easier for me to stop myself before it gets out of control. Bloody Oath!.

So here is to the beginning of a new week. A new chapter. And to taking it to the next level.

Note to self (and anyone else): Feel free to remind me of this post if I get dreary again.



TIAGF It is more who I am grateful to. A.J. Rochester. For going through the journey. For diarising it. For filming it. And for publishing it. Thank you.

Posted by Margaret at 8:16:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

No one can take this journey for me. I have to do it myself. And to do it properly I have to be honest. Honest in my actions and honest in my feelings. I don't like blogging at night. It is too easy for me to put down the points for the day, taking into consideration what I am about to have for dinner. Then completely stuff it up by having a large bag of Doritos and a jar of salsa. Then not going back and changing my journal. That is not being honest. I have so many feelings during one day and I am the sort of person who will choose the most positive and happy feelings to put in my journal. These feelings are true, but I have other feelings and by ignoring them I am not being honest.

I miss blogging during the day. It is during my waking, and working hours, that I have the most thoughts and feelings and cravings and as I can no longer turn to the blogs for that instant hit of information and positive affirmation I find that I am slipping - just a little. I have not exercised properly this week. I have a niggle in my lower back that has me angry and frustrated and sore. My solution - do nothing!! Well until today anyway. In a fit of anger at myself, at me for allowing self-pity to creep up and bite my positivity in the tail I went and joined the gym. And not only that, I made sure I had my gear with me so got on the treadmill and went for a good steady walk, with a few jogs thrown in for good measure. I even booked my fitness assessment for next Monday at 12.00pm. After that I felt so much better. My back doesn't hurt as much, I am not as peckish, and I feel better about myself.

On the way home, at the shopping centre before I picked up the boys, I went into a bookstore. I was specifically looking for "Confessions of a Reformed Dieter" by A.J. Rochester and in the few pages I have read already I think it was a great choice, but whilst I was hunting through the shelves looking for it I came across "Meditations to Heal Your Life" by Louise L Hay. I already have some of her affirmation cards but when I picked up the book and randomly opened it, it opened to a page that just was beyond coincidental. I bought the book. I will finish off by sharing what page it opened up to.

Support Groups

The new social norm is "support groups." There are support groups for any problem that we, as individuals, may have. We have self-help groups, personal growth groups, spiritual groups, and 12-step programs. These support groups are much more beneficial than sitting at home and whining. We learn we do not have to struggle by ourselves, and we do not have to stay stuck in our patterns. We can reach out to a group of people with the same issues, and we can work together to find positive solutions. We care for and support each other as we learn to leave the pain of the past behind. We do not sit in self-pity, bemoaning our past and playing "Ain't It Awful." We find ways to forgive and get on with our lives. We support each other, and we heal together.

There is help wherever we turn.

Louise L. Hay

How good is that!

Thank you for all your great shopping suggestions. I may take some of you up on your offer so watch this space:)

Points FTD: 21
Sugar Points: 3
Points Left FTW: 13

Posted by Margaret at 7:32:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

I have been invited to a wedding that will take place in Ulla Dulla on the October long weekend. It is for a friend who is very close to DH & his family. DH is a groomsman, and DS1 will be one of two little boys to walk down the isle (how cute - will take squillions of photos). As it is a not a tradition following couple, the partners of the bridesmaids and groomsmen will all be sitting at the bridal table. That means me! A lot of people who are going are DH's family and friends from Adelaide who last saw us when we were at our largest at DS2's christening. They are going to be very surprised. DH has lost 23kgs now but doesn't need to shop as he will be wearing a suit. I need to shop. (whooo hooooo).

So now I am going to put a bit of pressure on myself. I have lost 15.2kgs and it would be really great to be able to throw out a larger number when people say "Oh M you look fantastic. How much weight have you lost?" I think 20kgs would be a good figure. How much time does this give me? As I weigh in on Monday's it gives me 7 weigh ins before we go (last one Sep 26). I think this is too close as that means I would need to lose an average of a smidge under 700gms a week. I know my current average is a smidge over 800gms but it would be unrealistic of me to expect that to continue. ** Aargh **

See what I am doing. I am making myself crazy. I am not going to "aim" for anything. I am just going to continue doing what I am doing and when people ask me that question I will give them the most up-to-date answer I have. And whatever it is will be fantastic and people will still be very complimentary and I will feel great. And, if I find the right outfit, I may just feel beautiful as well.

Anyone want to come on a mad shopping weekend? Will be shopping Sat 24th & Sun 25th Sept. Design Brief: To find something that flatters my figure, my attitude, and must not match any of my current shoes - because then, oh darn, I will have to buy new ones ;)

Points FTD: 43
Sugar Points: 7

Posted by Margaret at 6:17:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

I feel that I am a very fortunate person in that I work for a company where I get to wear a uniform. Some people dislike wearing uniforms feeling that it represses their style and their right to choose what to wear, but for me it is so easy. I have a pile of clothes I wear to work and a pile of clothes I wear the rest of the time. I get up in the morning and I don't have to think too hard about what I am going to wear. It saves me a fortune on buying clothes as the non-work clothes are worn a lot less than if I had to wear them to work.

So how excited am I that we have had an announcement that there is to be a new uniform. According to our information the new uniform will be released in December and will happen in stages over the following 2 months. How perfect is that. The wonderful uniform I am wearing now has done me such a service but it is too big and I was starting to consider how to get another uniform approved. Now I don't have to worry. So this then puts the first bit of pressure on me on when I want to reach my goal. If I want my uniform in the first batch I will have to pre-order it. So I will have to guess what size I will need as my measurements at the time of ordering will not be the measurements at the time of receiving (how is that for a bit of positive visualisation LOL). Our uniform sizing in the past has been less than an exact science but we are hoping now that they have involved a designer (Mark Keighery - formerly the creator/owner of Marcs label) that the sizes will be consistent across the styles.

So back to the goal question. When I started my journey I took my lead from Rosemary Stanton and others who have consistently said that 500gm losses per week are a reasonable aim. Therefore as I started on 4th April 2005, I estimated I could reach goal on 24th April 2006 - my Mums birthday. Then as I lost weight each week I adjusted the end date based on the assumption that I would lose weight at a rate of 500gms a week from that point on. On this theory I have shaved off 12 weeks and the date is sitting at 30th January 2006. This would fit in perfectly with the new uniform release. Of course the dates change depending on what loss I experience so this date could move in either direction.

All along I have said to myself that I would not put a date on myself as I am afraid if I did that it would start the demons playing with my head. I think I am stronger now, so could possibly start entertaining these sorts of thoughts, but I don't want to slip into the mentality of this goal date being the end of my journey. I have often said that when I reach goal it is beginning and all this losing weight time is just preparation for that journey. And it is thanks to people like Suzy, and Lyn, and Kellee who have reached their goals and now have to face ongoing life challenges to maintain, and people like Cath and Emily, and Mary who are so close to getting back to, or reaching their goals, that I know I have a better mind set to tackle that stage. And I am very thankful to them, and everyone else on this journey because it is through this constant sharing of ideas and confirmation of positive actions that I am still as motivated as I am

I can only hope now that the new uniform will correctly flatter and highlight my brilliant new shape, perhaps I should give Mr Keighery a call ;)

**Edit**
Whooo Hoooo Emily hit goal today. Congratulations Emily.


Points FTD: 30 (pizza *sigh*) so much for my control LOL
Sugar Points: 3

Posted by Margaret at 7:24:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

I think I have learned a lot in the last 18 weeks. I have learned to identify triggers and situations that have caused me to overeat in the past and I am now learning to become a little more flexible in my approach. For example. Today at work I am on a new floor. We moved on Friday and as I was not here my belongings were moved up and were waiting for me when I arrived. Our building has just undergone a major transformation and one of the things that is now new and bright and beautiful is a 'break out' area (fancy open lunch room). In each break out area there is a huge fridge to be shared by the floor. As so many people in our group bring in their own stuff we have a fridge of our own. But the removalists forgot to move the fridge so we had to put our gear in the main fridge in the interim. Now, we did make the fridge a little crowded, not overly so as my stuff was very low due to it being a weekend, but this morning the other group has put a big sign on the fridge with words to the effect of "this fridge is full - find other alternatives". So I feel that I cannot go and do my weekly shop this morning as I will overflow my tub and to be honest, it just wouldn't fit in the fridge. This could have been an opportunity for me to say "Oh well, can't shop, better get something from the food court" And I did BUT I went to the chinese place and bought steamed veges (no sauce) and 2 steamed dim sims. All up 3 points. So I did not falter.

Then I found out that our group had organised a morning tea to welcome us all to our new home and we had invited some of the other groups as a bit of a meet and greet. When the platters arrived I was assaulted by the smell of chicken strips, sausage rolls, meat pies, filo triangles. Oh it smelt so good. I had a ww choc crisp bar and a bottle of water. I was still sociable but I kept in control of what I was eating. And not one person pressed me to have anything. That was great.

In the past both these things would have been triggers for me to go off plan or to get so flustered by the sponteneity that I would have just eaten what was on offer without thinking of the consequences. I am thankful that I know what I know, because my health and changing body are evidence of good information, but oh for a bit of ignorant bliss when it comes to hot finger food platters :)

Happy Birthday Ally

Points FTD: 25
Sugar Points: 0

Posted by Margaret at 7:28:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

I worked for it this week. I stuck to my points. I planned for the party. I moved my butt. And the scales reflected it with an even 1kg loss this week taking me to 80.3kgs. So that is 15.2kgs of lard gone. Forever! That means I lost this week, the same amount that I lost for the entire month last month. It is amazing what a well aimed kick in the butt can do for your drive ;)

A year ago today I gave birth to DS2. I put on a reasonable amount during the pregnancy and lost all but 5kgs of it within 3 weeks. But then I started putting it on again. At the beginning of this year I made a half-baked attempt at changing my habits, but all I did was go on a diet then return to form. At my heaviest, after the birth, I was over 100kgs. I started my ww journey at 95.5kgs. I am now 80.3kgs. What a difference a year makes.

This photo was taken about 2 hours after the birth and is the first time DS1 met DS2. I love this photo. I may not look my best but this is a great snapshot of my family. And I had just been for a bit of a workout !!

I spent most of today in bed so did not develop the film, this will be a task for tomorrow. Along with moving to a different floor at work & setting up my desk. Oh what exciting plans. But looking forward to walking, bouncing, stretching, getting back into it. I am going to have another great week this week :)

Points FTD: 22
Sugar Points: 0

Posted by Margaret at 2:32:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

We all know that the 1st birthday party is not really about the presents (cool fantastic stuff - lucky little boy), it's not really about the birthday cake (Wendy's ice cream cake with Sesame Street picture - delicious), it's not really about the food (chicken, salad, hot potatoes, cut up vege's, dips, cheese, snakes, etc), it's not really about the booze (mmmmm bubbles, bubbles, and more bubbles... hic), it's not even really about the birthday boy (had a blast, is really happy, glad it is his official birthday tomorrow, loved every minute, is fast asleep - bless him).

Come on. The 1st birthday party is all about what the birthday boy's mother wore to the party. Or more specifically. What shoes!


Had a brilliant day, a fantastic weekend, and a great week. Feeling pretty good right now. Exhausted and going to hit the sack. Will be crossing fingers, toes, & legs that today did not eat too much into the loss that was showing on the scales. Will be developing film tomorrow and will try to restrain myself ;)

Sunday

Points FTD: 27.5

Posted by Margaret at 8:51:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

There are a few blogs that I started to read because I chanced upon them and the post I landed in was really silly, or funny, or witty and I was hooked. Cheeky Moo, Diary of a Food Whore, and Post Secret being three of them. The posts generally have nothing to do with weight loss. Though it gets mentioned from time to time.

Just then I read the most heart-wrenching, beautiful post about a dear ill little boy. It made me realise how fortunate and blessed I am to have 2 such healthy little boys. If you have a faith, a belief system, that you could tap into, it would be great if you could send some prayers their way. If you visit, which you don't have to do, please make sure you leave a comment, just to say you were there. But I am sure they would appreciate any prayers even if silently sent.

Posted by Margaret at 9:38:00 pm | Permalink

This journey has given me so many 'firsts' as I have been going along and today I clocked up a few more. There is a walk near my house that encompasses about 200 stairs. It starts off as a slow gentle descent, a lovely stretch across the water and then it is all uphill from there. When I went out to do a bit of shopping I put all my gear in the car then stopped and thought about when I would be able to fit the walk in. I had a lot of stuff to do today and there is always a rush at the business end when I pick the boys up, so I locked the car and set off for the walk before I went shopping. I have never ever done this before. When I last did this walk I went with my Mum and it took me about 30 minutes. If Mum was here it meant I had lost about 4kgs I think. Well, the walk only took me 15 minutes. I was puffing and panting and sweating by the time I got to the car but next time, I think I'll do 2 laps!

Then came the 2nd first. I went to Chatswood Chase and knew I only needed to shop on the ground level. So I parked on the roof. At the furthest corner away from the doors. I went through the shopping centre and used the escalators on the way down , doing a bit of window shopping on the way, but on the return journey I used the car park ramps. 12 levels of them. Whoooo Hooooo. That was hard work.

The third first, for this journey, is I went shopping and bought some size 14 clothes. Yaaaaaa. It was not my aim to shop for me, but when I went through the ladies clothes section I spied some trackies and t-shirts and as my current gear is just about starting the workouts without me I thought it was about time I got a 2nd set. Well as I stood there and looked at the choices I started to laugh. Because I remembered a post Mary had made about this perfectly co-ordinated pink runner that was stalking her (not really but you have to read it to get the whole story). Anyway I decided there and then to get a fully co-ordinated outfit. Trackpants, singlet, little t-shirt, jacket - the works. How funny. And did I get it in a crowd blending black, or pale colours that don't draw any attention. NO. It is bright, it is bold, it is teal & white & grey. And it looks HOT!!! Well to me it does anyway because it fits. As soon as I got home I stripped off and put on my new duds. LOL I am such a dag. Then when I picked up the boys I parked on the roof (as I always do at this centre) but I ran down all the ramps to get something for my dinner then ran up them again to get the boys. Gotta put the new duds through their paces. :)

But, on a slightly serious note, it reminded me about how clothes can change your mood. For so long I wore clothes to cover, to hide, to get me through an event. Now I wear clothes that make me feel sporty - so I exercise more, I wear clothes that make me feel attractive - so I go out more, and am more outgoing. It is a very different feeling when I try on and wear fitted clothes that fit. It is a good feeling. I don't want this feeling to go away.

Points FTD: 20

Posted by Margaret at 8:29:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

Wish I had one. If I did I might not forget things that I want to say. But I don't. So I do. But I am going to try and remember all the little bits I have been wanting to say. (pinched the layout idea from Sue - thanks)

email friends
I have a number of lovely people who I regularly email as they don't have blogs of their own. Margaret B, Phillippa & LBEPTA to name a few. I have to apologise as I inadvertantly asked Telstra to cancel my telstra.com account (I meant to ask them to cancel another oops) so I have lost all your details. I would love you to email me using the address in my profile if you want to. Hope you are all going amazingly well with your journeys.

friends in general
Emily posted the most amazing post about friends today. I am not going to do the same even though this is something that has been going through my head for a while. I need to sort my thoughts out a bit more. It is well worth a read if this is the only post of hers you do read. But the rest of her story is pretty amazing too.

new friends
A message to Balloon. Thank you so much for your lovely comments. I have been reading your blog for a few days now and I try to leave comments but for some reason the comments window does not open and I am unable to say hi. So if you read this, hi - you are doing a great job. :)

lunchtime
I work flextime so depending what I do at lunch I will write down that I took between 45 mins to 1 hour 15 mins on lunch to cover the exercise I do and the food I then eat when I get back. Initially the bosses frowned on the amount of time people were taking at lunch time but now they see the benefits in reduced sick leave and other absences that they now don't have a problem at all with what we are doing.

ww recipe book
Yes, I still have this to email out if you want. Just drop me a line on email and I will email back as quickly as I can. This is not a book I put together. A lovely lady by the name of Ivanka on the ww forums did that, but as she does not send it out anymore I am happy to.

my goal weight
According to the ww site the range for my height is 61kg - 76kg. This would put me at a healthy BMI level. When I did ww in 1996 the goal weight put in my book was 68kgs. A bone density test I have had done has shown I am of medium bones so 68kg would be a fair and reasonable goal for me to reach. I know that if I was doing ww officially now, I could quite reasonably ask that 76 be my goal (and that would mean I am only 5.3kgs away - whoo hooo) but I want it to be 68kgs because that is where I feel I would be my healthiest. But, I am keeping an open mind and I know that if I end up being my healthiest and happiest at, say 70kgs, I am not going to let that trick me into thinking I am a failure or copping out. So I shall aim for 68kgs and see what happens.




Today I have been quite tired. I think it is both from the amount of exercise I have been doing this week - which, by the way, is more than I did in the entire month of July - and remnants from the glandular fever. So I am heading for an early sleep tonight and will properly catch up on blogs tomorrow. I am home on Friday and Monday as I booked these days as annual leave months ago, to allow me time to prepare for, and clean up after, DS2's 1st birthday. So good night, sleep tight, don't get up to have a bite :)

Points FTD: 20

Posted by Margaret at 9:16:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

Leaning up against the bathroom vanity, taking 5 minutes to myself in a house full of chaos and noise I happened to notice something very peculiar. Some light. Visible. Between my legs. Was this possible? After getting myself in a rather curious pose I have to agree. My legs no longer touch the entire way up to the top. There is a definite discernible coming in of the leg, enough to let a sliver of light through. Just a sliver. But I'll take that. ;)

Posted by Margaret at 7:43:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

Which is very good when you have wind. What me? Never. Moving on. Today's exercise was even better than yesterday. Three of us went out at lunch and I ran more than I have ever done in my life. And the little problem I have that was hampering my running seems to be improving each time I go out. So I am obviously building muscle somewhere :) I was even told by one of my friends that I run fast, and not at all like a penguin LOL. That's reassuring. And thanks Sue, yes Sydney parks are full of whackos. And we were but three doing our little workout on the grass. I am not sure how long we had been doing our cycling in the air when I realised that the comments I was hearing like "keep going" "you can do it" "watch out for the lorry" were aimed at us courtesy of a group of school kids who were having their lunch near by. Now, when you have your butt in the air and you are as uncoordinated as me, laughing is not a good idea. In fact I toppled over. After I had completed my minute. Then we did some pushups. Boy are we suckers for punishment. But it was 22 degrees, sunny, no breeze. Just a beautiful winters day. I am so lucky.

As we walked back to work I had to give myself a little credit as it was not all that long ago that the thought of someone watching me do any exercise, let alone attention grabbing middle of the park butt up in the air exercise, would have reduced me to an absolute mess and I would not have done it. In spite of myself. Now I have the confidence to do it anyway (that's Kate's mantra if you didn't know) and with that comes the realisation that no-one watches. Well the ones not laughing anyway ;)

Posted by Margaret at 7:49:00 pm | Permalink | Comments

It is so hard when I have had such a good day to wait until the boys are in bed before I can get in and post. I don't want to lose the feeling and want to capture everything before something comes along to take the fizzle out. Not that it could.

Weigh in this morning saw the scales drop 300gm which brings the month up to an even 1kg loss. Whilst not the most brilliant of losses I am now quite happy with that result. More so because today was measuring day. After taking my measurements I was happy, happy, happy all day long. I knew my jeans were getting looser. I am either going to have to invest in a belt to avoid any public indency charges being filed, or finally buy some new jeans of my own ;) My measurements are as follows:



Armed with this information I started wondering what size I was. So after work I went to a shopping centre and went into 3 stores. Sportsgirl, Portmans & Sussan. All I wanted was for a label of a size 16 or a 14 to tell me what Bust, Waist, Hip fit it. So I could know where I stood. Not one of these stores had labels with dimensions in them. Super frustrating. As I didn't actually want to buy anything, I didn't want, nor did I have time, to try any clothes on. In Sussan a really lovely sales lady came over and I asked her. She replied that they don't have that in their clothes and after pulling up my jacket and having a bit of a fiddle with my tummy (whoa there cowgirl!) she proclaimed that I would fit easily into one of their 14's. "Our jeans are generously cut" she went on to say. Mmmmm. Does that mean that I am a 14 here but 16 elsewhere because they are generous. My investigation continued. I walked into K-mart sure that at least some of their clothes would have the information I needed. Score. I looked in 3 different brands and I am now convinced that S14 has bust - 100, Waist - 80, Hips - 105. So for all intensive purposes (forgetting about the big butt thing) I am a size 14!! Whooo Hooooo. Now I am too scared to go and try something on in case it is all in my head :)

I went for my walk at lunch today and even though it is listed in my exercise below I am so happy with it I am going to put it in twice. Whilst mindful of my current bout of GF I felt so good walking. I went with a friend and walked the normal route to the fountain. It was there that we discussed stopping and doing some crunches and other ab stuff but the grass was wet so decided to do it at the other end. As we came up to the avenue of trees my friends asked if I wanted to jog. I said that I could only go a few trees at a time and as she is tree challenged we agreed to run lightpoles (2 lightpoles = 3 trees, 3 lightpoles = 5 trees) LOL I am an idiot. Anyway she said start running at the next lightpole and see how far you can go. I ran two lightpoles. We then walked two lightpoles and then ran another 2 lightpoles. This is a record for me. Once we crossed the road she said "Come on - one last go" and I boldly went where I have never been before and ran 3 lightpoles *hears the crowd roar with approval*. I was so puffed I thought I was going to fall over. Then we found ourselves a nice dry patch of grass and set about doing sit ups. I managed 60 to her 100. Then we did 1 minute of upside down cycling. Good golly we must have looked like complete whacko's. But I don't care. Because I did it. Then we dragged ourselves back to the office to stuff our face for lunch.

After that I felt like I could do anything. So I have finished my exercise for the night. Will make sure I head to bed early. And will dream of lightpoles and size 14's all night long ;)

Posted by Margaret at 8:08:00 pm | Permalink | Comments