Too much thinking
One of human kinds most powerful weapons is our minds. We can do practically anything we set our minds to - whether it be positive or negative. Over the last couple of days I have obviously been doing too much thinking. What a silly thing to do ;) I am not giving blogging away, why would I want to drift away from something that has been such a help in achieving my weight loss to date. All I am going to do is restrict myself during working hours. I am going to do my morning post, do a whip around, then close it down. After all I still want to get paid - I will need to buy new clothes soon :)
During my two days of introspection I have realised that I compartmentalise my emotions. I generally show the world a happy, thoughtful, and thoroughly silly side, whilst the deeper emotions of fear, sadness, and loss of control - if recent - will stay bottled up. Ever hoping they will be fixed before the emotions hit the outside layers. Then, when they have been locked up too long they come out as a big sadness that makes me start to doubt and question things. This is when I am at my most vunerable with food. Last night I had a little blow out. I say little because at the time I was unsure how to 'point' it and thought it would be huge, but now that I have checked, it is not so bad. What did I blow out on. Alcohol - No. Chocolate - No. Lollies - No. Ham - Yes !!! DH bought home a piece of fresh deli ham that smelt so good, like a Christmas ham, that I just ate, and ate, and ate. As I had originally planned for a 19 point day the damage was minimal but it did send the alert to my brain that something was going on.
There are a few things happening within my family at the moment and I don't want my blog to become a saga to them, but as they are an integral part of my life, what happens to them does relate to me on an emotional level. Whilst there are 3 separate things happening the one that effects me the most is my Dad. After the wonderful prognosis and excellent results of the operation we thought that the worrying would all be over. It was not to be. After being home only 3 days Dad was rushed to hospital where they found he had been leaking inside, and slowly poisoning himself. If he had waited another few hours, he would be dead. He has not left the hospital since. It has been almost 5 weeks. When I spoke to him yesterday he said that when he looks at his body he is reminded of pictures of prisoners of war. That is a hard thing to hear. But at least he is alive. He can talk. And boy, when he gets out of that hospital this will be a story we will hear again, and again, and again. (and I will appreciate it each time)
I feel that I have done well in the circumstances not to give up, and to continue my efforts to become healthy and strong. And to continue the battle to make silliness an acceptable daytime behaviour :)
And to Michelle. I saw your name at the Winter Challenge site. Yaaa for someone doing it with me.
During my two days of introspection I have realised that I compartmentalise my emotions. I generally show the world a happy, thoughtful, and thoroughly silly side, whilst the deeper emotions of fear, sadness, and loss of control - if recent - will stay bottled up. Ever hoping they will be fixed before the emotions hit the outside layers. Then, when they have been locked up too long they come out as a big sadness that makes me start to doubt and question things. This is when I am at my most vunerable with food. Last night I had a little blow out. I say little because at the time I was unsure how to 'point' it and thought it would be huge, but now that I have checked, it is not so bad. What did I blow out on. Alcohol - No. Chocolate - No. Lollies - No. Ham - Yes !!! DH bought home a piece of fresh deli ham that smelt so good, like a Christmas ham, that I just ate, and ate, and ate. As I had originally planned for a 19 point day the damage was minimal but it did send the alert to my brain that something was going on.
There are a few things happening within my family at the moment and I don't want my blog to become a saga to them, but as they are an integral part of my life, what happens to them does relate to me on an emotional level. Whilst there are 3 separate things happening the one that effects me the most is my Dad. After the wonderful prognosis and excellent results of the operation we thought that the worrying would all be over. It was not to be. After being home only 3 days Dad was rushed to hospital where they found he had been leaking inside, and slowly poisoning himself. If he had waited another few hours, he would be dead. He has not left the hospital since. It has been almost 5 weeks. When I spoke to him yesterday he said that when he looks at his body he is reminded of pictures of prisoners of war. That is a hard thing to hear. But at least he is alive. He can talk. And boy, when he gets out of that hospital this will be a story we will hear again, and again, and again. (and I will appreciate it each time)
I feel that I have done well in the circumstances not to give up, and to continue my efforts to become healthy and strong. And to continue the battle to make silliness an acceptable daytime behaviour :)
And to Michelle. I saw your name at the Winter Challenge site. Yaaa for someone doing it with me.
Points FTD: 24.5
Sugar Points: 9
Points Left FTW: 80
Exercise: 30 min walk around Hyde Park. Walk to Central. Total of 11117 steps logged in Winter challenge
Big hugs M. I'm glad you felt you could share some of that stuff with us. It's ok to talk about things other than positive things too. Sometimes thinking too much is a bad thing. One of my friends Tony always says you can never overestimate the unimportance of virtually everything - in some ways I agree, but some things like family will always always be important!
Posted by
Kate |
July 07, 2005 8:35 am
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Posted by
Sue |
July 07, 2005 8:37 am
Thanks for being so honest - it is so good that you are realising what your triggers are and also that sometimes when we think we have had a DREADFUL blow out - when we sit down and really look at it, it isn't that bad. It just seems like it will be at the time.
Take care and I hope that your Dad continues to improve - it is so difficult when someone we love is sick and there isn't anything WE can do to help.
Take care and be good to yourself !
Me
Posted by
Me |
July 07, 2005 8:43 am
It's amazing how the blow-outs we have now are so much less harmful than what we used to do before. We think we've been REALLY, REALLY bad, when really it was just a little slip - and we know how to get back on track. Special hugs to you for all your family worries. Hope your Dad gets to come home soon to tell his story over and over. Kia kaha.
Posted by
Sue |
July 07, 2005 8:44 am
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Posted by
Anonymous |
July 07, 2005 9:13 am
It's funny how we can tend to show only one side of ourselves in blogging / forums / internet stuff. Like Kate said, it's good to know you can share these sad things with us as well. Lots and lots of hugs and I know everything will turn out alright with your Dad. Lotsa love! :)
Posted by
Anonymous |
July 07, 2005 9:41 am
Hope all will be o.k. with your Dad. What a hard time to get through. I know sometimes it's hard with blogging as I find you can;t spill out everything that's happening in your life. I also agree with Kate about sharing sad things as well. Take care!
Posted by
Anonymous |
July 07, 2005 9:45 am
Hope your dad gets well really soon M.
Good for you it was only ham. I know chocolate would have been my first choice...sloshed down with a big glass of alcohol!
Posted by
Jaykay |
July 07, 2005 1:03 pm
Hoping your Dad recovers quickly.
I am doing the winter step challenge, but not officially joining, so I will be stepping along 10,000 steps each day with you. So far so good.
Posted by
Suzy |
July 07, 2005 1:47 pm
Oh Maragaret, your poor dad and it msut be taking a huge toll on you. You are handling itreally well. Please remember that we are here to sahre the good and teh bad. We love your silliness and it is obviously an integral part of you. BUT< real life has manty sad times too and I am finidng that sharing wthem with peopel who are not directly affected is soooo therapeutic. You give us support when we have bad moments so let us help by sharing yours.
Oh yes I am definitley completing that walking challenge so will be with you all the way.
Posted by
michelle |
July 07, 2005 2:14 pm
Oh no, I wish I had time to read this morning now - don't I feel awful!?
I am so sorry Margaret. Your such a wonderful positive person and it a shock to imagine how sad you must have felt over the last 5 weeks.
I hope your Dad will be out soon and telling that story to everyone who will listen!
Posted by
Anonymous |
July 07, 2005 2:33 pm
Sorry to hear your dad is sick. Hope he get well soon. It's always hard to see those you love sick or in pain and you have done extremely well not to give up on your commitments and goals. Well done - your an inspiration to us all!!
Posted by
Anonymous |
July 07, 2005 3:09 pm
Big hugs. Take care of yourself M, and don't forget to take time out for you.
Posted by
Anonymous |
July 07, 2005 3:32 pm
Hope your dad is home soon *hugs*
Posted by
Leighanne |
July 07, 2005 4:23 pm
lady m, i was sorry to read this. although i'm glad you trust us enough to feel it's okay to share. i truly hope your dad gets to go on, and on, and on about it all very soon! i know it's not easy to deal with several things at once, and certainly family is always a priority. and thank you for your comment! (and certainly for having the energy to read it all! ;D i didn't realize i wrote so much...!)
now, can you, when you have time, send me your snail mail + entire name again? i know. but since i'm a silly woman, when i lost my laptop i lost my mind, brain, addresses, etc as well. i thought i had backed it up, but this proves that procrastination is a very bad thing!
Posted by
InsaneMind |
July 07, 2005 4:51 pm
M - I forgot to say before - I hope everything goes well with your Dad. What a trooper you are with so much going on. You really amaze me and I am completely in awe of how you can stay on track so well with everything you do. I have trouble getting out the door by 9am with one baby - let alone getting up early, blogging, then getting your kids and yourself out the door off to various places and then going to work. How do you do it?!! :-)
Posted by
Kate |
July 07, 2005 7:08 pm
i hope your Dad gets well and out of that hospital SOON! i think your ham binge is probably just the stress of everything coming to a head, amazing that you managed to keep your points in check too so well done :) thinking too much can sometimes be hurtful but we do need to do it every once in a while. hang in there, sending happy healthy vibes to you & your Dad
Posted by
Cat |
July 07, 2005 7:23 pm
aww *big hugs* M! I'm glad you felt you could write about this, its good to be able to write it down.
My thoughts go out to you & your family & your dad will be in my prayers. I hope your dad is fighting fit soon!
Take care & be good to yourself!
Posted by
Kt |
July 07, 2005 7:47 pm
Blogging does make you think lots. What a journey so far! We have really been re-discovering ourselves.
I know exactly what you mean about only showing one side of you too and then it all comes out. I am guilty of this, poor Daniel but then it passes and we are back to our positive selves. I don't think we are meant to be happy all the time. I think that would be too boring anyway.
Gosh M, I am really sorry to hear about your father. I hope he recovers quickly. It is so hard watching our parents get older. My mother is worried about my own father atm too where she thinks he is literally losing his mind. I've been teary about this nearly every night now but I try not to let it get me too down. What a funny life we have. A funny world we live in. All too funny and for most of the time, too big to even comprehend. I wish your family all the best during this time. Big {{{HUGS}}}.
Now back to being silly. Gosh, I'm crying. Give me a tissue woman!
Posted by
Mary |
July 07, 2005 9:05 pm
I was browsing blogs and came across yours. I like your attitude. You seem very positive and honest!
Posted by
Unknown |
July 07, 2005 9:37 pm