The Difference a Day makes
Yesterday (before lunch)
I tried to gain weight this week. Really put the sort of effort in that I should be directing the other way. It started off by me eating my way through the pantry and finishing off EVERY piece of birthday party stuff that was left over from filling the goodie bags and the piniata. I ate packs of crisps, freddos, freddo heads, lollies, lollypops and I am sure there was more. I shudder to think that the party hasn't even happened yet and I need to shop for food for the day. It then spiraled into an anger filled frenzy and when I couldn't find anything else I set about making cheese and bacon pancakes - just so I could have something to eat. I mean I COULD have eaten the fresh fruit I have. Or I could have had vegetables or better yet, just drunk water but Nooooooooo. I needed to punish someone and who better than me, because I am there. * sigh *. I don't understand it. My anger was not towards me. It was for someone else. But I get frustrated and know there is no point getting angry at them so I direct it inward. Luckily for me there was also this intense desire to walk this weekend and walk I did. So when I got on the scales I was shocked to see they registered a "no - change" leaving me at 77kgs. Part of me wishes it had jumped 5kgs to put the fear back in me and the other part is just grateful that it stayed the same. I am a very positive person, naturally, and usually jump out of bed being able to see the sunshine and accepting that I will get where I want (physically, emotionally, financially) but this weekend knocked me for a six and I have to admit that when I got us this morning I wasn't really sure of anything anymore.
Yesterday (after lunch)
Before I started my blog I had friends I could count on less that one hand. One girl from work - MF and a couple of other Mums I met at the ante-natal classes. And those Mums were all skinny and beautiful and whilst I know that they didn't keep inviting me around because I made them look good, I always knew that I kept myself a little apart from them. Then the blog started. Along with the increase of confidence in myself as I changed physically I grew mentally as my friendships with people on-line grew. It started with comments left on blogs. A bit of a one way conversation but just what I needed. Then, like in real life, closer bonds formed with a few that really clicked for me. The blog comments started turning into email conversations. Real two way conversations. Soon the blog did not necessarily necessitate the beginning of a chat. An email would just appear, or I would just send one to say Hi and on it went. This has now developed where I am comfortable enough to pick up the phone and ring someone to have a chat and forego the internet altogether. Or not. There is no pressure, there is no obligation, so when we talk, when we meet up - it is real and it is FUN.
So anyway yesterday I received such an email. Out of the blue and a great wake up to me that the world is not just about me and that other people have the same angers, needs, wants, as me and also need a place to vent when the blog seems just a touch too public. I am so grateful that I have friends like this now and know that it has made me become the better person that I am.
So on to Today
Today is completely different. Today I woke up with an expectation of joy and happiness and excitement. Because today is not about me. Today is about my baby Oscar who turned 2 this morning. As I lay in bed snuggling with both Oscar and Darcy whilst Mark got ready I was smiling thinking about how excited the boys would be when we went out the back and they discovered the 30 odd balloons I blew up last night and the table covered in presents. We all raced out the back as my Mum rang to say Happy Birthday. I knew it was only 5.45am in Adelaide so appreciated the gesture. We opened the present from her and Dad whilst she was on the phone. Oscar managed to yell Thanks Oma almost at the same time he was yelling WOW as he ripped the paper off to reveal "Charlie the Talking Grill". How hilarious. It is a small BBQ that has eyes and a mouth and talks as you press down the sausage or the burger and when you take the Ketchup or Mustard out of their holders, they speak to you. He LOVES it. I am so happy for Mum that she got to share that with us. I love my speaker phones - it makes sharing this stuff so much easier.. Then it was back to the ripping of paper and as the Wiggles books and plate set were revealed we got more WOW's and the smiles just kept on going.
I feel really lucky today.
And I am going to take that feeling and run with it. :D
I tried to gain weight this week. Really put the sort of effort in that I should be directing the other way. It started off by me eating my way through the pantry and finishing off EVERY piece of birthday party stuff that was left over from filling the goodie bags and the piniata. I ate packs of crisps, freddos, freddo heads, lollies, lollypops and I am sure there was more. I shudder to think that the party hasn't even happened yet and I need to shop for food for the day. It then spiraled into an anger filled frenzy and when I couldn't find anything else I set about making cheese and bacon pancakes - just so I could have something to eat. I mean I COULD have eaten the fresh fruit I have. Or I could have had vegetables or better yet, just drunk water but Nooooooooo. I needed to punish someone and who better than me, because I am there. * sigh *. I don't understand it. My anger was not towards me. It was for someone else. But I get frustrated and know there is no point getting angry at them so I direct it inward. Luckily for me there was also this intense desire to walk this weekend and walk I did. So when I got on the scales I was shocked to see they registered a "no - change" leaving me at 77kgs. Part of me wishes it had jumped 5kgs to put the fear back in me and the other part is just grateful that it stayed the same. I am a very positive person, naturally, and usually jump out of bed being able to see the sunshine and accepting that I will get where I want (physically, emotionally, financially) but this weekend knocked me for a six and I have to admit that when I got us this morning I wasn't really sure of anything anymore.
Yesterday (after lunch)
Before I started my blog I had friends I could count on less that one hand. One girl from work - MF and a couple of other Mums I met at the ante-natal classes. And those Mums were all skinny and beautiful and whilst I know that they didn't keep inviting me around because I made them look good, I always knew that I kept myself a little apart from them. Then the blog started. Along with the increase of confidence in myself as I changed physically I grew mentally as my friendships with people on-line grew. It started with comments left on blogs. A bit of a one way conversation but just what I needed. Then, like in real life, closer bonds formed with a few that really clicked for me. The blog comments started turning into email conversations. Real two way conversations. Soon the blog did not necessarily necessitate the beginning of a chat. An email would just appear, or I would just send one to say Hi and on it went. This has now developed where I am comfortable enough to pick up the phone and ring someone to have a chat and forego the internet altogether. Or not. There is no pressure, there is no obligation, so when we talk, when we meet up - it is real and it is FUN.
So anyway yesterday I received such an email. Out of the blue and a great wake up to me that the world is not just about me and that other people have the same angers, needs, wants, as me and also need a place to vent when the blog seems just a touch too public. I am so grateful that I have friends like this now and know that it has made me become the better person that I am.
So on to Today
Today is completely different. Today I woke up with an expectation of joy and happiness and excitement. Because today is not about me. Today is about my baby Oscar who turned 2 this morning. As I lay in bed snuggling with both Oscar and Darcy whilst Mark got ready I was smiling thinking about how excited the boys would be when we went out the back and they discovered the 30 odd balloons I blew up last night and the table covered in presents. We all raced out the back as my Mum rang to say Happy Birthday. I knew it was only 5.45am in Adelaide so appreciated the gesture. We opened the present from her and Dad whilst she was on the phone. Oscar managed to yell Thanks Oma almost at the same time he was yelling WOW as he ripped the paper off to reveal "Charlie the Talking Grill". How hilarious. It is a small BBQ that has eyes and a mouth and talks as you press down the sausage or the burger and when you take the Ketchup or Mustard out of their holders, they speak to you. He LOVES it. I am so happy for Mum that she got to share that with us. I love my speaker phones - it makes sharing this stuff so much easier.. Then it was back to the ripping of paper and as the Wiggles books and plate set were revealed we got more WOW's and the smiles just kept on going.
I feel really lucky today.
And I am going to take that feeling and run with it. :D
Happy Birthday Oscar!!
Hope you have a great day and a great week Margaret - enjoy that feeling :-)
Posted by
Kate |
August 08, 2006 9:12 am
Happy Birthday to dear little Oscar!
You are a great Mum M.
Posted by
Suzy |
August 08, 2006 9:34 am
Happy birthday to your little Oscar. I hope he has a fantastic day. xx
Posted by
Cinders |
August 08, 2006 9:44 am
Happy birthday to Oscar (and happy Mum-birthday to you!).
Angry eating is so tempting, isn't it? But you have done it, dealth with it and moved on. I'm so glad the scales didn't 'punish' you. (or did you want to be punished for being angry?
Anyway, far too philosophical. I'm glad you feel supported and cared for by your blog friends :)
Posted by
LBTEPA |
August 08, 2006 9:53 am
Happy Birthday Oscar!!! Surely this day makes up for all the crap ones you've had lately? You are a great mother and I am in awe of you. I find it hard to cope with one and you manage with two. You are indeed, a legend in your own lifetime my friend. I can't wait to meet you on Saturday.
Hope the rest of your week is filled with sunshine and cuddles from your boys.
Cachow!!
Bri
Posted by
Briony |
August 08, 2006 9:56 am
Omg, I want a Charlie the Talking Grill! Happy birthday to Oscar. And great to see you bounced back. We all have bad days, it's getting over them that makes the difference :)
Posted by
Kathryn |
August 08, 2006 10:02 am
Happy birthday to your baby and happy day to all your family. It is my dearest friend's birthday today, so I know your Oscar must be a very special person (how's that for a completely illogical premise!).
Glad you are feeling better. You may have been in a self-destructive spiral, but IT STOPPED. It didn't go on for days, weeks, or months. YOU STOPPED IT. That sounds like damn fine progress to me.
Posted by
Sue |
August 08, 2006 10:59 am
Happy Birthday to Oscar!!!
Glad to hear you are feeling better:)
I can relate to quite a few things you have written about *hugs*
Posted by
Leighanne |
August 08, 2006 11:37 am
Well, I don't know what freddos or freddo heads are but the don't sound good for you! LOL...
I wish my grill talked :-(
Adam
Posted by
Anonymous |
August 08, 2006 12:21 pm
Happy birthday to your little boy!
Hope you all enjoy his special day.
It's easy to let feelings take over but you've got it out of your system. Was really good to hear that you are feeling better, and as you said take that feeling and run with it!!
Posted by
Anne |
August 08, 2006 1:28 pm
Glad to hear you are feeling more positive! Its amazing what it takes to put life back into perspective sometimes!
Happy Birthday OSCAR!
Posted by
Unknown |
August 08, 2006 2:33 pm
life is always better when you're grateful and happy isnt it? its definitley easier to smile anyway :) have a wonderful day, give a great big gefeliciteerd to the jarige job!!
Posted by
Cat |
August 08, 2006 6:51 pm
Happy birthday sweet Oscar! Hope the day was filled with lots more WOW moments, just like a birthday should be :-)
Posted by
Emily Campbell - Independent Stampin' Up!® Demonstrator |
August 08, 2006 7:34 pm
happy bday to wee oscar! hey i wouldn't be hoping for a 5kg gain! welldone on maintaining, must be all that walking!
Posted by
Kt |
August 08, 2006 7:38 pm
mmmmmmmm... why can't i stop thinking about that grill? i know it's not real...
i love your long posts, always feel so positive after reading them :) and happy birthday to your wee boy!
Posted by
Shauna |
August 08, 2006 11:47 pm
Happy (slightly belated) birthday to little Oscar! That grill sounds just so cute. I hope you all had a magical day together :)
Yet another great post Margaret, and it really does typify the daily mental struggles we have on this journey. I know for myself, I went through a similar episode last week questioning why I still continue (other than the obvious, one look in the mirror answers that) but it proves that the mental hurdles really are the bigger challenges, and although constantly having to conquer them is tiring, the rewards are so much greater.
Love your work M :)
Posted by
Ails |
August 09, 2006 11:47 am
Hey M. I can relate to not being sure of anything anymore. But it sounds like you have two fabulous little boys to keep the smile on your face! I hope Oscar had a great birthday ;)
Posted by
Els |
August 09, 2006 5:49 pm
I know it's a little slow, but:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY OSCAR!
Enjoy all the mass consumption you'll never remember.
Posted by
Daniel Hatadi |
August 10, 2006 11:00 am
And this is why you should NO junk food in the house! You can't go crazy eating it if it's not there, true :-P I'm glad this was just an *episode* and you've found your perspective. That's a good thing and hey, I'm even slower...Happy Birthday Oscar!
Posted by
Mary |
August 10, 2006 1:25 pm
Happy Birthday Oscar. Don't beat yourself up about the binge, it happens, and you just move forward again. (Believe me I have done it many times)Can't wait to see you Sat night. Enjoy the party.
Posted by
michelle |
August 10, 2006 2:15 pm
I hope Oscar had a lovely day. I'll add my voice to the general chorus here and say don't stress too much about it all, you're such a positive, healthy person that it won't make a huge difference in the long run. Sometimes things just happen! You count it and move on.
I think you write about the daily struggles we all have whie we're on this journey, and beyond, so well. Your posts always make me smile :)
Hope you have a lovely weekend xoxo
Posted by
philippa_moore |
August 11, 2006 8:30 am
I'm sure you all enjoyed Oscar's b'day. They grow so fast. Will be thinking of you all on Saturday. Enjoy yourselves, can't wait to hear all about it.
And M, only 20 more days till Spring!!!!
Posted by
Lee-Anne |
August 11, 2006 2:11 pm
Your tagged!!!
Check out my blog to see why:)
Posted by
Leighanne |
August 11, 2006 4:09 pm
Hi M just wanted to pop my head in and say how lovely it was to meet you the other night! I hope you had a great time on Sunday too!!
Posted by
yublocka |
August 15, 2006 12:06 am
Hi M, thankyou so much for Saturday night you definately made me feel very welcome and at ease I had such a great night and am so glad that I went, it was really great to meet you and hope there are many more opportunities for our paths to cross. Hope you had yourself a great weekend!
Posted by
Anonymous |
August 15, 2006 7:24 pm